Warning: this is not a particularly upbeat post

I just need to vent--that is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place! So I apologize ahead of time for the pessimism and the lack of cohesiveness.

Today was just hard. There is only so long I can go through this monotonous life of mine without breaking down. This deployment leaves me on a roller coaster of emotion. I had another bout of hopelessness and loneliness back in April that lasted until June. I know it won't be bad this time because Jon is coming home in a couple of weeks!

For the past month I have been utterly discouraged by my daily routine. I quit my Bally gym membership a couple months ago because my cardio kickboxing class, my only reason for the membership, was getting extremely stale and didn't challenge me anymore. Wanting to keep up with it, I started taking the one offered on Davis Monthan AFB. I still walk out of that class drenched in sweat so there is no question about the intensity or challenge. But I've been slacking on my workouts all-together, only making the class once a week and completely skipping out on my running routine. One reason could be that I have chronic pain in my left hip abductor (or is it adductor?), left knee, and left foot. I just saw an ortho doctor today and he basically told me to cross train more and run less. Fat chance! Why are doctors not interested in getting to the bottom of a condition? I don't want to quit running, you idiot! That's why I'm here to see you! I not a dumb ass. I know if I quit running my symptoms will probably improve. The problem is I want to continue to do it, but minus the pain!

So, I'm lacking motivation to keep up with any sort of workout regime. And now I think I've figured out why I can't get excited about anything lately. It's my job. For a long time now, I've been very unhappy with it. I hate having to find stuff to do at work. I used to be super busy, back when I had my own project and could dictate what I was doing day to day. But now, I rely on other people to give me work to do. Everyone is working on their own thing so I'm left with nothing to do. I've been very bored for months now--I have no fulfillment with this job whatsoever. I've been getting to work later and later. What is the point of going in if I have nothing to do? I dread an empty day. It's really hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings, as a result. 

I've had one project going on that I really want to finish, but it is a two person job. Like I said before, everyone has their own shit to take care of so I've been waiting and waiting for someone's schedule to open up so that they can help me. I just snapped when a co-worker told me he was "going to be sick tomorrow." He has offered to help out, but has been busy with his own work and personal issues came up so he's not around a whole lot during the day. Another co-worker of mine is in the middle of getting her own grant up and going so spends most of her time in the office in front of the computer. So nobody's around and I'm sick of waiting for someone else to help me when, really, a lot of work is waiting for me and this boredom and helplessness can be avoided. So yeah, I snapped then because I'm never going to get this done if I'm going to rely on others. I help out people a lot at work. When they have too much to do at one time, I step in and lighten the load a little. So I'm a little dissatisfied at the rate the favor has been repaid. I had to step away from the lab and let the emotion out in the privacy of the ladies room. It didn't make me feel any better and I just couldn't pull myself together so I went for a long walk, which helped a lot, but the bad feelings returned as soon as I stepped back into the lab.

I know all this probably doesn't make any sense. I'm just so unhappy with this job. I'm sick of (some) people always asking for favors and never returning them. I'm sick of being practically forced to do something for somebody else because "it's really easy" (if it's so easy, do it yourself--it's your project!) I'm sick of relying on other people to get my stuff done. Screw that! I'm going to find a way to do it myself, and do it well. Then I can take all the credit for the work, I'll be busy, and I'll be happier.

In short, I'm dissatisfied with my place in life. This job is going nowhere and brings me no satisfaction. I'd get more fulfillment staying home and keeping the house clean and baking whenever I want. I feel useless right now. I'm not doing what I want to do. I want out of this field so bad and I'm looking so forward to a possible PCS this coming spring. On the other hand, I won't be able to apply to the nursing program here at the UA, so that career goal is set back at least another year. I'm starting to give up on that aspiration. I'm getting older and attending school for so long will set back my goal to start a family by so many years. I don't want to be having children at 40. What's a woman to do? Maybe all this wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to pick me back up at the end of the day. Even with days being as bad as they are lately, at least I'd have my small family to come home to. But instead, I have an empty house that offer no comforting hug or encouraging words. I guess a little furry guy greeting me at the door with tail wagging will do for now and his daddy will pick up the slack when he comes home. But for now, my life is meaningless.

Dear deployment, f*%k you!

I hate this. I hate how I'm going through my life right now. I hate how my husband is so out of the picture for so long. This deployment is really getting to me and I'm upset, really upset. 

I am so disappointed with the phone conversations I've been having with my husband lately. We are luckier than others in that we get to talk every day, but when we have nothing to say to each other, these conversations don't do anything for me. I actually do all the talking, since I'm the one who has somewhat of a life, but it's just a one-sided conversation. I don't get much of a response from him. All I get is a "yeah" or "oh" or sometimes nothing at all! That's when I say "Hello! Are you still there?" (My cell phone loves to drop calls like crazy so I always have to check.) When I find out that he is there on the other side, not saying anything, I get mad. I swear, he is the hardest person to have a phone conversation with. And that, I believe, is a recipe for disaster, considering these phone conversations are all we have to go on right now. If he just showed some interest and talked to me, things would be a lot better.

I understand (as best as I can) how detached he must feel being so far away from home for so long, but this is all our marriage is right now! We just have the phone calls, so why can't he see that I need more from them? The guy usually likes to talk, but when it matters most, he can't seem to say more than a few words. He says he's trying, but it's still not enough for me because it doesn't seem that he gets just how important these phone calls are to our marriage. He doesn't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind. 

In my frustration I said some things I wish I could take back. I told him that I don't even feel like we have anything in common anymore if we can't even keep up a conversation. And how I'm worried that I can talk to other people with ease when we struggle. Now I have him all worried that his R&R is going to be awkward. I tried my best to reassure him about the marriage and that I love him, but I think the damage has been done. Crap. Shame on me for putting such worries in his head. I feel awful!

I can't wait for this to be over so things can go back to normal. You know, how a normal marriage is supposed to be with the two people living together and interacting with one another. Because I need more. This really is a test of how strong your marriage is. It makes me wonder how every one else copes. What do you do when the conversations start to fail or go stale? What do you do when they constantly fail to satisfy? And how do you deal with the lack of emotional connection? How do I make this easier?

Rollercoaster

Feeling icky again. I don't get it...I was fine until today! Maybe it's our upcoming 1 year anniversary that's got me down this time. Back to just getting by. This is not how I want to live my life, by just getting by. Too bad hugging this little guy doesn't produce the feelings of comfort I'm looking for.

Miscommunications

I just got off the phone with Jon. I had been looking forward to his phone call this evening and was optimistic about the conversation. I just wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice. I've been missing him a lot lately and I feel so hopeless because there is nothing either of us can do about it.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I jokingly asked him if he ever got around to calling and complaining about my incident at a Border Patrol check point. I never expected him to follow through with his threat because he was really heated when he said all that. I figured if he didn't call soon after the threat was made, he wouldn't call at all because he would have cooled down enough to just forget about it--which is fine because if I really wanted something done about it, I would have called myself! I told all this to him and kind of gave him a hard time about it--all in jest of course. I'm always giving somebody crap about something, but it's all in good nature and hopefully not overly done. Weird as it may sound, at times it's how I show my affection.

Well, Jon took me seriously. I was in an affectionate mood and told him how much I loved him and missed him, but he responded with, "Whatever, just forget it" while I was expecting him to return with some lovey-doveyness. That was a huge blow to me and I just came crashing down. I have been super sensitive to everything these past couple of weeks and those words were all it took to completely turn my mood around. I couldn't stop crying. I explained to him several times that I was just giving him a hard time and I wasn't at all upset with him, but all I got was a cold response. His anger turned into frustration as he listened to me cry--he hates when I cry.

I really try hard not to cry when I'm talking to him. I try not to complain too much about things here. I don't want to burden him with problems I'm having because he's so far away right now and can't do anything for me. He just gets really frustrated when he hears me like this and I don't want to put him through that. It's just been really hard lately, and I don't know why. All that being said, when I'm noticeably down while I'm on the phone with him, I want some comforting, some soothing words and a soft tone....not a cold "Well I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about it." Nothing in the world makes me feel more alone than those words. It gets unbearable and I have to hang up with him so that I can lose it while he's not listening. Is it too much to ask for? Some affection from my husband, even though he's so far away? I wish he would understand what I need in times like these. Men aren't very intuitive and mine is not as emotionally expressive as I would like him to be.

I'm really sick of being in this state of mind. Two weeks is more than enough, and to this day I don't know if it was one specific event that set it off. It's been up and down for me lately--I feel bipolar! The trip to San Diego was a good distraction for me, but as soon as I got back I fell back into this funk. It comes down to how much time I have to think: the more time I have, the more I feel sorry for myself and stay stuck in this state. Keeping busy at work, talking to people, anything to keep my mind off this awful deployment...and I'm fine. But once I'm alone with nothing to do...that's when I mope.

The fact that this funk has lasted this long scares me. Am I depressed? I know how overdiagnosed depression is, but right now I feel like that is my case. I cry all the time now....even at work. So many times I've not been able to control myself, one of these days one of my co-workers is going to catch me. I put on my happy face when I'm around people.....I would be so embarrassed if one of them ever saw me crying. I'm losing interest in things, most namely, knitting!! Knitting was how I pictured surviving this deployment, but I have no desire really. I even bought some yarn from Kiwi yesterday, to force myself to start another project. But are those yarn balls slowly unwinding? Sadly, no...they remain in neat little balls on my couch as I type. I recently found that I lost weight. While in San Diego I had to buy a new pair of jeans because I was tired of pulling my pants up! I guess I haven't been eating as much and am keeping up with the exercise regimen....that will do it. I thought it was some sort of water fluctuation at first, but even after my trip full of eating every meal out and drinking a lot more than I usually do (don't really drink), the weight stayed off. Lately, all I want to do is drink! That is the only thing that will pacify me--just numb me now, please. I think what I need now is a HUG. This affectionate girl is really craving some physical affection!

:**[

I'm not having a good night. Weekends are bittersweet for me. I'm accustomed to counting down the days until Friday, but with Jon gone all that awaits me is an empty house. On these weekends I'm holed up in my house with my antisocial dog all. by. myself.

I've never liked being alone. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a large family. Sure during my teenage years I longed for my alone time, but after a while it just got lonely. Even when I left home to go to Seattle U, I constantly surrounded myself with friends. It was just so great that my best friends were just down the hall or sharing the room with me! Even when I knew I should be studying, if my friends were going out to do something, I'd drop everything just so I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Even when I got my act together and dedicated myself to doing well in school, I did this with friends. I just got close to people in my classes--I never studied alone.

And then I moved away. So I left everything I knew behind: my family, my friends, my job, and everything I loved about Seattle. I wasn't looking forward to leaving, but I knew that sometime I would have to make the sacrifice since Jon didn't have a choice where he ended up. All was fine when I got here. My mom made the trip with me and helped me settle into my new house, and when she left I was busy readying everything for Jon's arrival.

September 2006 Jon came home from Iraq and from that time up until November 2007, I enjoyed being with him so much. I finally had my husband and we were starting our new lives together. That is, until the Army and orders ripped him away from me again. I knew it was coming that whole year, but I still couldn't help but feel outraged. Just because you know it's going to happen doesn't make it any easier. I was angry. Angry that I had sacrificed my life back home for this to happen. Angry that I left my family and friends behind in exchange for the lonliness to come. If I were back home this deployment wouldn't be so hard!!!

[I had a whole bunch more to say here, but I've cut all that out. I posted this when I was feeling really bad. I read over it again as I felt better and it just sounded ridiculous--sorry. Every once in a while, this whole situation gets really overwhelming and all the bad emotions are overly amplified. I guess I kind of lose it during these times. Thanks for the comments....you made me realize that I need to be greatful for everything I have, including the few friends I have made during this time. I'm moving on!]