I'm all nerves!

I've been up since 6 this morning, tossing and turning in bed. I've been waking up sporadically throughout the night as well. I can't sleep!

I finally got up at 7 and took the mutt with me so Jon could get some more sleep. I definitely could sleep more, but my mind is racing, contemplating what questions will be asked during the interview. I don't know if they will have all our information in front of them, so I don't know how specific these questions will be. I read over my papers last night, just in case they ask me about them. It's highly doubtful, but wouldn't that look awful if I couldn't tell them what they were about? I am one of the authors after all! I also made sure I remembered all the steps in the nursing process of care, since I mentioned it and compared it to the scientific method in my statement. Thank you to my friend Sandra for pointing out this similarity to me! I really don't think they'll ask me anything too in depth, but I want to be prepared!

I went to an info session last night after work. The purpose was to hear from representatives from all the sponsor hospitals and to ask questions, so that we can rank them in order of preference. We were greeted with bad news right from the very beginning. One of the sponsor hospitals had completely dropped out. It happened to be my number two choice. I guess the day right after the associate dean sent out those letters inviting candidates to interview, the hospital contacted her and informed her that they were unable to sponsor anyone. I wanted to bang my head on the table when I heard this because I knew this hospital offered the most slots in the past. They are the ones who stepped it up in the program. Soooo.......available slots went from 96 last year to 48. You should have seen the dropped jaws and uncomfortable squirming in the auditorium when the news was announced. The hospital that dropped out had 40 slots to offer last year, down to 24, then down to a big fat zero. Stupid economy! I figured maybe that the number of slots had gone down, but not by that much! Hospitals in the area are hurting right now. My top choice hospital has eliminated raises indefinitely. My (now second) choice hospital is unable to offer jobs to all the newest grads they've sponsored. It isn't looking very good for new RNs.

I've been reading message boards about the whole process at the UA and went into that info session almost confident. My impression was that the majority of those who interviewed got accepted into the program. The interview is a way for them to see how well you communicate and if the program (and nursing itself) is the right fit for you. I think I communicate fairly well and I know this is what I want to do! But last night discouraged me. I got there early so I was able to watch people as they filtered into the room. When we got started I could see the auditorium was filled to capacity. The woman sitting next to me and I were trying to count how many people were in the room, since these are all the people interviewing. We were told that 130 were invited to interview. And now from those 130, only 48 would be granted admission. The program went from being competitive to being really, really competitive. I'm sure if the hospital dropping out had let the nursing school know earlier, not as many people would have been invited to interview. I don't know that I would have been.

With that, I have to get ready. The recently purchased suit and shoes are sitting in the closet, ready for action. Off to the shower I go. Hopefully in a few weeks you will be reading the thoughts of a newly admitted nursing student!

Back to "normal"

I had to use this post title after I woke up this morning thinking, Wow I'm almost back to normal. I couldn't believe those first thoughts after they registered. Living without my husband has become the norm for me. It just made me sad....and a little jealous of those married couples that don't have to go through this. To many others, all this is far from normal.

Things still aren't all the way back to "normal," but I'd say I'm about 60% there. It's hard for me to think that he was just here no more than 30 hours ago. I guess 18 days wasn't enough for me to turn survival mode off, thankfully. Yesterday wasn't nearly half as bad as what I went through the very first day of this deployment. The way I felt, coming down from those amazing 18 days, was similar to how I felt after a huge family get-together during the holidays when I was a child. 

We don't have family here in the States (they're all in Peru), but we had a lot of close friends that I consider family. I remember being so happy when everyone was over. All our celebrations included lots of good food, loud music, and when the adults got happy, dancing. Meanwhile I'd be downstairs with all my friends playing throughout the night. When the parents called downstairs for their kids to get ready to leave, we didn't pay any attention because not a minute later the music resumed and the overhead pounding continued. Once we heard quiet from upstairs, we knew our parents were serious. The day after our huge get-togethers I always felt down and missed everyone already.

So yesterday was a come down from the high produced from those feel-good hormones during Jon's visit. My heart was heavy and I felt down. I'm a nerd so I was thinking about those hormones and neurotransmitters affecting mood. I wonder if in my down moods those levels are abnormally low. Maybe back in my childhood they were because I seriously suffered the same lows that I suffer when my husband leaves me.

I was planning on running the Tucson Half Marathon this morning, to help myself recover after Jon's departure. That is one way I cope with sadness: running. It never fails to lighten my mood. In fact, that is exactly what I did last deployment when Jon had to leave after R&R. I was hopeless and in a pathetic state of mind so I forced myself to lace up those running shoes and go for a 4 mile run. It works wonders and I swear by it. This morning, however, I chose to forego the half marathon, especially because I aggravated my IT band after a measly 3 mile run with Jon last Wednesday. I don't think 13.2 miles would have been good, especially since it's been 2 years since I ran such a distance and I've been doing zero conditioning and training for the race. 

Sorry for the random post! The next ones will be better. But I need to get some motivation to upload my pictures from our trip to Vegas and organize them. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of their weekends! Back to the daily grind tomorrow!

Warning: this is not a particularly upbeat post

I just need to vent--that is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place! So I apologize ahead of time for the pessimism and the lack of cohesiveness.

Today was just hard. There is only so long I can go through this monotonous life of mine without breaking down. This deployment leaves me on a roller coaster of emotion. I had another bout of hopelessness and loneliness back in April that lasted until June. I know it won't be bad this time because Jon is coming home in a couple of weeks!

For the past month I have been utterly discouraged by my daily routine. I quit my Bally gym membership a couple months ago because my cardio kickboxing class, my only reason for the membership, was getting extremely stale and didn't challenge me anymore. Wanting to keep up with it, I started taking the one offered on Davis Monthan AFB. I still walk out of that class drenched in sweat so there is no question about the intensity or challenge. But I've been slacking on my workouts all-together, only making the class once a week and completely skipping out on my running routine. One reason could be that I have chronic pain in my left hip abductor (or is it adductor?), left knee, and left foot. I just saw an ortho doctor today and he basically told me to cross train more and run less. Fat chance! Why are doctors not interested in getting to the bottom of a condition? I don't want to quit running, you idiot! That's why I'm here to see you! I not a dumb ass. I know if I quit running my symptoms will probably improve. The problem is I want to continue to do it, but minus the pain!

So, I'm lacking motivation to keep up with any sort of workout regime. And now I think I've figured out why I can't get excited about anything lately. It's my job. For a long time now, I've been very unhappy with it. I hate having to find stuff to do at work. I used to be super busy, back when I had my own project and could dictate what I was doing day to day. But now, I rely on other people to give me work to do. Everyone is working on their own thing so I'm left with nothing to do. I've been very bored for months now--I have no fulfillment with this job whatsoever. I've been getting to work later and later. What is the point of going in if I have nothing to do? I dread an empty day. It's really hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings, as a result. 

I've had one project going on that I really want to finish, but it is a two person job. Like I said before, everyone has their own shit to take care of so I've been waiting and waiting for someone's schedule to open up so that they can help me. I just snapped when a co-worker told me he was "going to be sick tomorrow." He has offered to help out, but has been busy with his own work and personal issues came up so he's not around a whole lot during the day. Another co-worker of mine is in the middle of getting her own grant up and going so spends most of her time in the office in front of the computer. So nobody's around and I'm sick of waiting for someone else to help me when, really, a lot of work is waiting for me and this boredom and helplessness can be avoided. So yeah, I snapped then because I'm never going to get this done if I'm going to rely on others. I help out people a lot at work. When they have too much to do at one time, I step in and lighten the load a little. So I'm a little dissatisfied at the rate the favor has been repaid. I had to step away from the lab and let the emotion out in the privacy of the ladies room. It didn't make me feel any better and I just couldn't pull myself together so I went for a long walk, which helped a lot, but the bad feelings returned as soon as I stepped back into the lab.

I know all this probably doesn't make any sense. I'm just so unhappy with this job. I'm sick of (some) people always asking for favors and never returning them. I'm sick of being practically forced to do something for somebody else because "it's really easy" (if it's so easy, do it yourself--it's your project!) I'm sick of relying on other people to get my stuff done. Screw that! I'm going to find a way to do it myself, and do it well. Then I can take all the credit for the work, I'll be busy, and I'll be happier.

In short, I'm dissatisfied with my place in life. This job is going nowhere and brings me no satisfaction. I'd get more fulfillment staying home and keeping the house clean and baking whenever I want. I feel useless right now. I'm not doing what I want to do. I want out of this field so bad and I'm looking so forward to a possible PCS this coming spring. On the other hand, I won't be able to apply to the nursing program here at the UA, so that career goal is set back at least another year. I'm starting to give up on that aspiration. I'm getting older and attending school for so long will set back my goal to start a family by so many years. I don't want to be having children at 40. What's a woman to do? Maybe all this wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to pick me back up at the end of the day. Even with days being as bad as they are lately, at least I'd have my small family to come home to. But instead, I have an empty house that offer no comforting hug or encouraging words. I guess a little furry guy greeting me at the door with tail wagging will do for now and his daddy will pick up the slack when he comes home. But for now, my life is meaningless.

Dear deployment, f*%k you!

I hate this. I hate how I'm going through my life right now. I hate how my husband is so out of the picture for so long. This deployment is really getting to me and I'm upset, really upset. 

I am so disappointed with the phone conversations I've been having with my husband lately. We are luckier than others in that we get to talk every day, but when we have nothing to say to each other, these conversations don't do anything for me. I actually do all the talking, since I'm the one who has somewhat of a life, but it's just a one-sided conversation. I don't get much of a response from him. All I get is a "yeah" or "oh" or sometimes nothing at all! That's when I say "Hello! Are you still there?" (My cell phone loves to drop calls like crazy so I always have to check.) When I find out that he is there on the other side, not saying anything, I get mad. I swear, he is the hardest person to have a phone conversation with. And that, I believe, is a recipe for disaster, considering these phone conversations are all we have to go on right now. If he just showed some interest and talked to me, things would be a lot better.

I understand (as best as I can) how detached he must feel being so far away from home for so long, but this is all our marriage is right now! We just have the phone calls, so why can't he see that I need more from them? The guy usually likes to talk, but when it matters most, he can't seem to say more than a few words. He says he's trying, but it's still not enough for me because it doesn't seem that he gets just how important these phone calls are to our marriage. He doesn't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind. 

In my frustration I said some things I wish I could take back. I told him that I don't even feel like we have anything in common anymore if we can't even keep up a conversation. And how I'm worried that I can talk to other people with ease when we struggle. Now I have him all worried that his R&R is going to be awkward. I tried my best to reassure him about the marriage and that I love him, but I think the damage has been done. Crap. Shame on me for putting such worries in his head. I feel awful!

I can't wait for this to be over so things can go back to normal. You know, how a normal marriage is supposed to be with the two people living together and interacting with one another. Because I need more. This really is a test of how strong your marriage is. It makes me wonder how every one else copes. What do you do when the conversations start to fail or go stale? What do you do when they constantly fail to satisfy? And how do you deal with the lack of emotional connection? How do I make this easier?

We will always remember

Nuff said.

Left Behind?

Ever since I've discovered the world of milspouse blogging, I've become a frequent reader of SpouseBuzz. It is a wonderful website for people like me who are trying to get through deployments, TDYs, PCSs, and everything else a military lifestyle can throw your way. (As a side note, I'm still getting used to the endless list of acronyms that the military so likes to use. Here's a complete list for anyone who's interested....I'm not even going to pretend I know them all!) The numerous milspouse blogs that I frequent have kept me going, reminding me that I'm not alone in this whole thing. They've taken the place of my FRG (omg look, another acronym!) 

Last month and again this past week, Joan d'Arc, a contributing blogger on SpouseBuzz wrote about feeling left behind when their spouse leaves for one reason or another (first post here and second post here). A lot of milspouses weighed in on the term, with varying feelings on the subject. Some stated that their husbands are just doing their jobs and didn't choose to leave, with some going as far as comparing TDY/deployment to them going to work (a 15 month deployment is a little different from an 8-hour workday in my opinion.....just a little, though). Some said in a sense they do feel left behind because sometimes their spouses go off to some exotic, exciting place while they stay at home. 

For me, I definitely do feel left behind. I know my husband didn't choose to leave, to leave me with the task of selling our house, to leave me with our troublesome puppy, or to leave me to cope with no close friends or family. He tells me all the time how much he wished he could be home with me, and this makes me feel good. I'm getting through it. I sold the house, our dog is behaving better than ever now, and I'm keeping busy for the most part, successful some days and failing on others. What I don't like about this deployment is the fact that my life has essentially been on hold now for 6.5 months, and will continue to be on hold for another 8.5 months (not to mention he doesn't come home for R&R until late November!) I'm normally a person who tries to live life to the fullest, but during these deployment stints, I'm sitting and waiting for my life to resume. I find it hard to take up anything new, because I want to do it with him. I mean, isn't that how marriage is supposed to work anyways? You're supposed to walk the path of life together, share life experiences. It occurred to me that even seemingly small things are affected by this feeling I'm experiencing. For instance, I haven't made much of an effort to decorate the house. Sure, I hung up whatever pictures we have (save the big, heavy ones for hubby!), but there's so much more I would like to do, but I haven't because I want his opinion and he isn't here to give it to me. I have a huge blank wall in the living room that's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do with it. A lot of women would just go ahead and do what they want, but I don't operate that way.

I miss having a man around the house. Although I pride myself in being a physically strong woman, I can't lift everything! I think Jon is pretty lucky for having  a tough cookie of a wife such as myself. I mean, just the two of us moved our entire belongings to Tucson! One man and one woman carrying all the full boxes, couches, washer and dryer, and bedroom furniture--any typical woman wouldn't have been able to handle all that! I never want to do that again! Like I said, there are a couple heavy pictures I can barely lift above my head, let alone hang up on a wall. A TV has been sitting on my bedroom floor for months now because I simply could not lift it up to put it up on Jon's high dresser (I have really weak shoulders and can't lift much above shoulder height). These tasks all necessitate manly strength that I lack.

Another aspect of being left behind is having to deal with living totally different lives. I feel like we are going in different directions during this time. What is important and pertinent in his daily life right now are not the same for me in mine. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. Sometimes I scare myself that these differences will develop into something more and that he will be a completely different man from the one that I fell in love with and the one I know.

I think this deployment would go a lot more smoothly for me if I felt I had some purpose in life. When he was home, being with him and being happy was my purpose, but that is gone now. In terms of the rest of my life, I'm not doing what I want to be doing in the job area, I got rejected from nursing school last March, I'm far from the other people who matter to me most, and I feel stuck. I think these feelings, this need for a purpose, have been the reason for my strong urge to have children. Because I know when this happens, my life will change forever and my life will be my kids. I am ready to take the step and dedicate my entire being to this purpose. This deployment isn't the first time I've been thinking about it. I've been wanting a baby for a while now. If only Jon were ready too. I suppose we should give it more time, considering we've only been married a year now. But when will he be ready?