Baby on the brain

Thank you for the congratulations on my big news. We are so excited about this new addition to our family! I have wanted this for so long and it seems that things just kept coming up that prevented us from taking the leap. I'll be honest, I've had baby fever since I was about 24 when friends around me started having babies....and I wasn't even married then! Ever since I was little I had pictured myself as a mother, and I knew without a doubt that I wanted kids. I had always wanted a little girl, and even kept a running list in my head of my favorite girl names prepared for the event. I'm pretty sure I started this list when I was 7! Of course, my favorites have always changed throughout the years, and eventually I started thinking about boy names I liked. Right now I still have  list of girl names, should this little one be a girl, but Jon and I haven't really talked about our favorite ones. He's already shot down my top pick, #1 name (maybe I can convince him later?). We have already decided what we would name our peanut if it's a boy. It was a really easy decision to come to--we are naming him after Jon's grandfather.

Baby names aside, from the very beginning I've been a worried mom. Because I have wanted this so much and for so long, I have been scared of losing our little one. It's been a fear in the back of my head for the majority of my first trimester. Every time I went to the bathroom I would check my underwear for any signs that could point to miscarriage. I was orienting on my unit then and was super busy, but every time I felt any gush of fluid (sorry, it's kind of gross), I'd freak out, run to the bathroom and check. For the most part all thoughts of miscarriage are out of my head, and I have yet to get around to empty out my emergency stash of feminine products from my purse, but I still worry about baby's health. I pray everyday, plead with God to please let my baby be healthy. Nothing has given me reason to believe otherwise, but that is just the kind of person I am. Heck, until this pregnancy happened I had almost convinced myself that I wouldn't be able to bear children, just because I wanted it so bad!

The ultrasound we did when I was 11 weeks really solidified the reality. Until then, it was hard to believe that there was actually somebody living inside me. But seeing baby wiggle around like crazy during the ultrasound was indescribable. I instantly fell in love

Omigosh it looks like a real baby!

I'm still not showing much, just a little bump protruding about hip level. It really pops out when I have a full bladder. I'm so impatient to start showing. I've tried on maternity clothes already, but there's no reason to yet. I'm just really excited! And I can't wait to feel him/her kicking around!

My Monday

It's 1:30 here and I'm still in my pajamas. I woke up at 11:30 to the sound of soft rain, got up to eat something, fed the dog, let him out, and went back to bed. So goes my life these days. I've been working nights in our local hospital's postpartum unit for a couple months now and tonight is a dreaded work night. I've got no problems sleeping during the day (other than neighbors' annoying dogs barking nonstop), no problems staying awake at night, and so far no scary moments on the 40-minute drive home, but I absolutely hate this! I wake up, eat a piece of fruit because anything more will set off the nausea, and suffer stomach issues the whole night. I've had a few lucky days where I've been able to eat and felt great, but those nights aren't enough to offset the bad nights. Digestive issues have always been a problem for me whenever I stayed up too late, so none of this surprises me.

Other than the shift itself, I love my job! I'm so happy to be working with healthy patients. Most of the time the situation is also a happy one. And of course I love working with the newborns! I'm getting more and more comfortable with handling them (you should have seen me when I was a student--so scared to break them!) and yes, I will occasionally cuddle them. Heel sticks for blood tests are also easy now and I actually like to do them now. Don't worry, they get a pacy with sugar water and sleep through it for the most part. My biggest challenge? Breast feeding! I think I get more frustrated than mom or baby when it's just not happening. I stress out when a baby won't eat. I'm not a breast feeding expert, nor do I have any personal experience with it, so just how am I supposed to be helping these moms breast feed more effectively? I am getting better at it, but I have to admit I get relieved when a mom comes in just wanting to formula feed. I know I'm horrible.

All this and more that I haven't mentioned are great preparation for me. In a few months time I will be that exhausted mom trying to get baby to latch on. I'll be the patient the nurse will walk in on, holding the baby and just gazing at him/her (I really do love walking in to that scene). Hopefully, I'll be better prepared than your typical first-time mom, but somehow I doubt I'll have less questions and I will be just as scared! I am so excited, hopeful, antsy, impatient, all-of-the-above and more. But for now, I need to rein in all this emotion and get to bed. Goodnight and happy Monday!