I'm all nerves!

I've been up since 6 this morning, tossing and turning in bed. I've been waking up sporadically throughout the night as well. I can't sleep!

I finally got up at 7 and took the mutt with me so Jon could get some more sleep. I definitely could sleep more, but my mind is racing, contemplating what questions will be asked during the interview. I don't know if they will have all our information in front of them, so I don't know how specific these questions will be. I read over my papers last night, just in case they ask me about them. It's highly doubtful, but wouldn't that look awful if I couldn't tell them what they were about? I am one of the authors after all! I also made sure I remembered all the steps in the nursing process of care, since I mentioned it and compared it to the scientific method in my statement. Thank you to my friend Sandra for pointing out this similarity to me! I really don't think they'll ask me anything too in depth, but I want to be prepared!

I went to an info session last night after work. The purpose was to hear from representatives from all the sponsor hospitals and to ask questions, so that we can rank them in order of preference. We were greeted with bad news right from the very beginning. One of the sponsor hospitals had completely dropped out. It happened to be my number two choice. I guess the day right after the associate dean sent out those letters inviting candidates to interview, the hospital contacted her and informed her that they were unable to sponsor anyone. I wanted to bang my head on the table when I heard this because I knew this hospital offered the most slots in the past. They are the ones who stepped it up in the program. Soooo.......available slots went from 96 last year to 48. You should have seen the dropped jaws and uncomfortable squirming in the auditorium when the news was announced. The hospital that dropped out had 40 slots to offer last year, down to 24, then down to a big fat zero. Stupid economy! I figured maybe that the number of slots had gone down, but not by that much! Hospitals in the area are hurting right now. My top choice hospital has eliminated raises indefinitely. My (now second) choice hospital is unable to offer jobs to all the newest grads they've sponsored. It isn't looking very good for new RNs.

I've been reading message boards about the whole process at the UA and went into that info session almost confident. My impression was that the majority of those who interviewed got accepted into the program. The interview is a way for them to see how well you communicate and if the program (and nursing itself) is the right fit for you. I think I communicate fairly well and I know this is what I want to do! But last night discouraged me. I got there early so I was able to watch people as they filtered into the room. When we got started I could see the auditorium was filled to capacity. The woman sitting next to me and I were trying to count how many people were in the room, since these are all the people interviewing. We were told that 130 were invited to interview. And now from those 130, only 48 would be granted admission. The program went from being competitive to being really, really competitive. I'm sure if the hospital dropping out had let the nursing school know earlier, not as many people would have been invited to interview. I don't know that I would have been.

With that, I have to get ready. The recently purchased suit and shoes are sitting in the closet, ready for action. Off to the shower I go. Hopefully in a few weeks you will be reading the thoughts of a newly admitted nursing student!

Done and done

I just submitted my nursing application today! I had one of my friends, a new nurse practitioner, read over my two statements for me and give me suggestions on how to improve them. I'm so glad I did because they sound so much better now! I really wasn't happy with what I wrote before all the editing, mainly because I really am not too fond of playing myself up and writing about just how AWESOME I am. It's quite embarrassing to me, really. But you are really suppose to sell yourself in these things, and the main reason I didn't get an interview last year, according to somebody on the committee, was because I didn't address this enough. So it helped for somebody who knows me well to tell me what she saw in me that would make me a successful nurse. I found that a 250 word limit was just not enough for me, so a lot of cutting and editing followed.

Even though I was very happy with the results, I was still extremely nervous hitting that "Submit application" button. I had my hand over the mouse for a while, finger hovering over the button as my co-worker who was in the room at the time encouraged, "Do it! Do it" So click I did. It is out of my hands now. Now I sit and wait....and obsessively check the status of my application (my transcripts better be in their hands already!)

Why so nervous? Well I am so ready to move on. Cancer research was just suppose to be a stepping stone, but it turned into 6 years of my life (!!!) As glamorous and noble the profession may sound, I am just so sick of all the politics involved and many a jaded grad student and post-doc has confirmed my feelings towards it. Did you know that a new post-doc, who just went through at least 5 years of grad school and has a PhD, makes just about as much as me, who only a has bachelor's under my belt? Pure ridiculousness! You really have to love research (or hate yourself) to even plan on staying in this field long enough to make some real money.....like enough to be able to support your family. 

So I'm waiting for my turn, for my career to start going the way I want it. This is my third time applying. I've tried for three years to get into this program! It's great for me because I already have a bachelor's degree in another field, so it only takes 14 months to complete. The real perk, though, is the fact that you are matched with a participating hospital in Tucson and they pay for your tuition. We also get a stipend for books, uniform, and equipment. In turn, you dedicate three years of work at your sponsor hospital. Guaranteed job after graduation? Check! In this economy, entry-level positions are getting harder and harder to come by in this state, despite the nursing shortage. Newbie nurses just take more money to train!

So keep your fingers crossed for me! Third time's a charm, eh?

Feeling better for now =)

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Sorry about the freak out post below, but I did feel better after I was done with it (hence the heavy editing done later on!) I hadn't felt that down since Jon left, and I knew it was bound to happen eventually. For the past 4 months I've been carrying on with my life as best as I can, falling into a routine to make things easier on me and pretty much trying to forget that my husband is gone....to a not-so-nice place half way across the world (!!!!) I'm really relying on the few friends I have here to help me keep my sanity. This is exactly what happened during our last tour.

Last time, I was in Seattle and Jon had left from Ft. Huachuca here in Arizona, so I was already used to the separation. It was still hard when he left....I couldn't make the trip down to see him off and he called me right before getting on the plane. I remember calling my mom right as I got off the phone with him, crying and telling her he was gone. Time wore on and I leaned heavily on friends to consume lots of spare time. I saw my closest friends everyday! I never spent a weekend alone, which was nice. I had a very nice support system going on. After a while, I guess I kind of grew numb to Jon's absence. I'm ashamed to say that I even started to take his phone calls for granted, as frequent as they were. I think I even stopped carrying my cell phone to the bathroom with me and to the gym. I felt so guilty about this. I tormented myself wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I not miss my husband so much anymore? Because I didn't allow myself to. It sounds awful, but as I told people back then, if I let myself miss him this whole time he was gone, I would be suffering greatly--it was a survival mechanism. It was one that Jon wasn't very keen to. But when he came home for his R&R, it was all honeymoon and violins and spring and flowers, so that when he left it was even harder on me than the first time. I almost wished that I didn't get to see him at all, because of how crappy I felt after he left--the uncontrollable whirlwind of sadness. But at the same time, I was reassured that I still did love him and that I wasn't a horrible unfeeling person.

And here I am going through it again. Except, I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. The numbness is there, though, and I don't miss my husband so terribly that I can't function (which would happen if I allowed myself to!) But every once in a while, like last weekend, a girl has to vent.....turn on that emotional faucet and let everything out. It is such a scary, overwhelming state because I can't control the way I feel or the rate the emotion comes out...it just overtakes me! And I really hate feeling out of control. I guess you can say that I momentarily snapped and I plead temporary insanity for the post below. Ughhh....I don't even know if I'm making sense, but that's the best way I can describe it. I suppose the only real way for one to know how it is would be to experience it for themselves.....but I hope you never don't!

In my panicked and desperate state I searched for other military spouse blogs and found Dig Your Toes In. I was really excited to find this blog written by a Navy wife! Especially since one of her recent posts was about what she calls The On and Off Switch of Military Marriage. This post is her version of explaining the inner emotional battle that I just described above. I felt like she was speaking to me because I knew exactly what she was describing!

I want to close this post by saying this: the times I've been in this out-of-control depressed state of mind, I always receive comfort and relief. Out of the blue I stumbled upon above-mentioned post describing exactly how I was feeling at that moment, making me feel a little less alone in this whole situation. In the past, I've received unexpected phone calls from friends I hadn't heard from in a while, inviting me out to dinner with them. I've received random emails from friends that don't email me too much, just to say hey. I really feel like God is sending these people to me during these times. Now I'm normally not one to think in this way, but I really believe that He is watching over me and He has my back in times like these ♥♥♥