I'm not having a good night. Weekends are bittersweet for me. I'm accustomed to counting down the days until Friday, but with Jon gone all that awaits me is an empty house. On these weekends I'm holed up in my house with my antisocial dog all. by. myself.
I've never liked being alone. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a large family. Sure during my teenage years I longed for my alone time, but after a while it just got lonely. Even when I left home to go to Seattle U, I constantly surrounded myself with friends. It was just so great that my best friends were just down the hall or sharing the room with me! Even when I knew I should be studying, if my friends were going out to do something, I'd drop everything just so I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Even when I got my act together and dedicated myself to doing well in school, I did this with friends. I just got close to people in my classes--I never studied alone.
And then I moved away. So I left everything I knew behind: my family, my friends, my job, and everything I loved about Seattle. I wasn't looking forward to leaving, but I knew that sometime I would have to make the sacrifice since Jon didn't have a choice where he ended up. All was fine when I got here. My mom made the trip with me and helped me settle into my new house, and when she left I was busy readying everything for Jon's arrival.
September 2006 Jon came home from Iraq and from that time up until November 2007, I enjoyed being with him so much. I finally had my husband and we were starting our new lives together. That is, until the Army and orders ripped him away from me again. I knew it was coming that whole year, but I still couldn't help but feel outraged. Just because you know it's going to happen doesn't make it any easier. I was angry. Angry that I had sacrificed my life back home for this to happen. Angry that I left my family and friends behind in exchange for the lonliness to come. If I were back home this deployment wouldn't be so hard!!!
[I had a whole bunch more to say here, but I've cut all that out. I posted this when I was feeling really bad. I read over it again as I felt better and it just sounded ridiculous--sorry. Every once in a while, this whole situation gets really overwhelming and all the bad emotions are overly amplified. I guess I kind of lose it during these times. Thanks for the comments....you made me realize that I need to be greatful for everything I have, including the few friends I have made during this time. I'm moving on!]