Friday, April 4, 2008

:**[

I'm not having a good night. Weekends are bittersweet for me. I'm accustomed to counting down the days until Friday, but with Jon gone all that awaits me is an empty house. On these weekends I'm holed up in my house with my antisocial dog all. by. myself.

I've never liked being alone. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a large family. Sure during my teenage years I longed for my alone time, but after a while it just got lonely. Even when I left home to go to Seattle U, I constantly surrounded myself with friends. It was just so great that my best friends were just down the hall or sharing the room with me! Even when I knew I should be studying, if my friends were going out to do something, I'd drop everything just so I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Even when I got my act together and dedicated myself to doing well in school, I did this with friends. I just got close to people in my classes--I never studied alone.

And then I moved away. So I left everything I knew behind: my family, my friends, my job, and everything I loved about Seattle. I wasn't looking forward to leaving, but I knew that sometime I would have to make the sacrifice since Jon didn't have a choice where he ended up. All was fine when I got here. My mom made the trip with me and helped me settle into my new house, and when she left I was busy readying everything for Jon's arrival.

September 2006 Jon came home from Iraq and from that time up until November 2007, I enjoyed being with him so much. I finally had my husband and we were starting our new lives together. That is, until the Army and orders ripped him away from me again. I knew it was coming that whole year, but I still couldn't help but feel outraged. Just because you know it's going to happen doesn't make it any easier. I was angry. Angry that I had sacrificed my life back home for this to happen. Angry that I left my family and friends behind in exchange for the lonliness to come. If I were back home this deployment wouldn't be so hard!!!

[I had a whole bunch more to say here, but I've cut all that out. I posted this when I was feeling really bad. I read over it again as I felt better and it just sounded ridiculous--sorry. Every once in a while, this whole situation gets really overwhelming and all the bad emotions are overly amplified. I guess I kind of lose it during these times. Thanks for the comments....you made me realize that I need to be greatful for everything I have, including the few friends I have made during this time. I'm moving on!]

7 comments:

lobstah said...

I'm so sorry about how you are feeling lately--I will be sure to keep you in my thoughts. I think everyone frequently has those feelings of "do people really like me, or are they just putting on a facade?" It's human nature. I try to realize that most people are being genuine when they are nice to me--people wouldn't invite you over if they completely disliked you, just to be "nice". I dunno--it's a hard thing.

Tania said...

Thanks Lobstah...I feel a little bit better about it now.

Knit Girl said...

I agree with lobstah. Go and enjoy! And be good to yourself!

digtoesin said...

(((((Hugs))))) to you (Even though I'm a stranger....)

It is so easy to get overwhelmed. Especially when you're in a place that still doesn't feel like home missing the most important person in your life. Be gentle with yourself, and know that you aren't alone in your feelings.

Jaime said...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, I wish there was something I could do in some way...**COMFORT**

Cheryl and Greg Morton said...

Yo lady! oh bummer. My friend, Yani, who's now fiancee, is in the military gets lonely. She found a website called Meetup where you can meet new and different people.

I guess the other thing I'm going to say, which is no surprise. How about checking out churches there? that take cares of Sunday! :) and if you get involved in a church you like ThaT will keep you very busy.

Tania said...

Thanks for hugs Digs! I will definitely be venturing over to your blog regularly! Thanks for the kind words Jaime. And **hugs** back to both of you as I know you are coping with your own issues.
And Miss Cheryl, thanks for the suggestions! I am feeling better today!