Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Feeling better for now =)

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Sorry about the freak out post below, but I did feel better after I was done with it (hence the heavy editing done later on!) I hadn't felt that down since Jon left, and I knew it was bound to happen eventually. For the past 4 months I've been carrying on with my life as best as I can, falling into a routine to make things easier on me and pretty much trying to forget that my husband is gone....to a not-so-nice place half way across the world (!!!!) I'm really relying on the few friends I have here to help me keep my sanity. This is exactly what happened during our last tour.

Last time, I was in Seattle and Jon had left from Ft. Huachuca here in Arizona, so I was already used to the separation. It was still hard when he left....I couldn't make the trip down to see him off and he called me right before getting on the plane. I remember calling my mom right as I got off the phone with him, crying and telling her he was gone. Time wore on and I leaned heavily on friends to consume lots of spare time. I saw my closest friends everyday! I never spent a weekend alone, which was nice. I had a very nice support system going on. After a while, I guess I kind of grew numb to Jon's absence. I'm ashamed to say that I even started to take his phone calls for granted, as frequent as they were. I think I even stopped carrying my cell phone to the bathroom with me and to the gym. I felt so guilty about this. I tormented myself wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I not miss my husband so much anymore? Because I didn't allow myself to. It sounds awful, but as I told people back then, if I let myself miss him this whole time he was gone, I would be suffering greatly--it was a survival mechanism. It was one that Jon wasn't very keen to. But when he came home for his R&R, it was all honeymoon and violins and spring and flowers, so that when he left it was even harder on me than the first time. I almost wished that I didn't get to see him at all, because of how crappy I felt after he left--the uncontrollable whirlwind of sadness. But at the same time, I was reassured that I still did love him and that I wasn't a horrible unfeeling person.

And here I am going through it again. Except, I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. The numbness is there, though, and I don't miss my husband so terribly that I can't function (which would happen if I allowed myself to!) But every once in a while, like last weekend, a girl has to vent.....turn on that emotional faucet and let everything out. It is such a scary, overwhelming state because I can't control the way I feel or the rate the emotion comes out...it just overtakes me! And I really hate feeling out of control. I guess you can say that I momentarily snapped and I plead temporary insanity for the post below. Ughhh....I don't even know if I'm making sense, but that's the best way I can describe it. I suppose the only real way for one to know how it is would be to experience it for themselves.....but I hope you never don't!

In my panicked and desperate state I searched for other military spouse blogs and found Dig Your Toes In. I was really excited to find this blog written by a Navy wife! Especially since one of her recent posts was about what she calls The On and Off Switch of Military Marriage. This post is her version of explaining the inner emotional battle that I just described above. I felt like she was speaking to me because I knew exactly what she was describing!

I want to close this post by saying this: the times I've been in this out-of-control depressed state of mind, I always receive comfort and relief. Out of the blue I stumbled upon above-mentioned post describing exactly how I was feeling at that moment, making me feel a little less alone in this whole situation. In the past, I've received unexpected phone calls from friends I hadn't heard from in a while, inviting me out to dinner with them. I've received random emails from friends that don't email me too much, just to say hey. I really feel like God is sending these people to me during these times. Now I'm normally not one to think in this way, but I really believe that He is watching over me and He has my back in times like these ♥♥♥

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