And he's off

This sight made me cry this morning, and I thought to snap a picture of it.

It always happens that departure day comes too soon, huh? It's crazy how 18 days can fly by so fast. And I was crazy to think, back at day 1 of R&R that saying goodbye to him again would be cake because I've got surviving separation down to an art. I started clinging to him on Tuesday, upon realization that I only had 3 full days left with him. His imminent departure would bring tears to my eyes at random times of the day, but he would know why I was crying. I try not to show him how hard it is for me because I know it's already hard enough for him to leave as it is, but I'm a very emotional person.....unlike him.

But today I got to see that this is really hard for him too. I always got the feeling that this separation was easier for him, but today I could see that it killed him to leave me this morning. I could see it in his face, hear it in his voice, and realize it when he reached for me. It was really hard to let him go, and I did not stay behind to watch his plane take off like I did when he first left. I booked it home and was still able to hear it take off (we live that close to the airport).....right on time. I just went right back to bed, not wanting to face the empty house at the moment.

It was fitful sleep that I got, full of dreams of sitting at the airport....and his face....and his voice. I'm so used to him being there that every time I woke up I was surprised to find his side of the bed empty. I just turned over and went back to sleep again to avoid the realization. It was just a little awful to wake up alone.

You have to get up sometime, though. And I need a day to myself, to mope and look like crap and just get it out of my system. And I have lovely Jem to accompany me. The two songs I posted on my blog echo true to how I feel, so they provide me with an outlet...and some comfort. Tomorrow, it's back to my solitary routine. I foresee lots of baking as distraction and for the holidays, less eating as I've gained some weight, and lots of catch up knitting for Christmas presents.

There is a silver lining to all this, though. At the end of this R&R we only have a little over 2 months left of this tour! December, to me, doesn't count because I know it's just going to fly by because I need more time to finish knitting and baking Christmas presents. Then there's January and the short month of February, and he's back home sometime in March!

Warning: this is not a particularly upbeat post

I just need to vent--that is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place! So I apologize ahead of time for the pessimism and the lack of cohesiveness.

Today was just hard. There is only so long I can go through this monotonous life of mine without breaking down. This deployment leaves me on a roller coaster of emotion. I had another bout of hopelessness and loneliness back in April that lasted until June. I know it won't be bad this time because Jon is coming home in a couple of weeks!

For the past month I have been utterly discouraged by my daily routine. I quit my Bally gym membership a couple months ago because my cardio kickboxing class, my only reason for the membership, was getting extremely stale and didn't challenge me anymore. Wanting to keep up with it, I started taking the one offered on Davis Monthan AFB. I still walk out of that class drenched in sweat so there is no question about the intensity or challenge. But I've been slacking on my workouts all-together, only making the class once a week and completely skipping out on my running routine. One reason could be that I have chronic pain in my left hip abductor (or is it adductor?), left knee, and left foot. I just saw an ortho doctor today and he basically told me to cross train more and run less. Fat chance! Why are doctors not interested in getting to the bottom of a condition? I don't want to quit running, you idiot! That's why I'm here to see you! I not a dumb ass. I know if I quit running my symptoms will probably improve. The problem is I want to continue to do it, but minus the pain!

So, I'm lacking motivation to keep up with any sort of workout regime. And now I think I've figured out why I can't get excited about anything lately. It's my job. For a long time now, I've been very unhappy with it. I hate having to find stuff to do at work. I used to be super busy, back when I had my own project and could dictate what I was doing day to day. But now, I rely on other people to give me work to do. Everyone is working on their own thing so I'm left with nothing to do. I've been very bored for months now--I have no fulfillment with this job whatsoever. I've been getting to work later and later. What is the point of going in if I have nothing to do? I dread an empty day. It's really hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings, as a result. 

I've had one project going on that I really want to finish, but it is a two person job. Like I said before, everyone has their own shit to take care of so I've been waiting and waiting for someone's schedule to open up so that they can help me. I just snapped when a co-worker told me he was "going to be sick tomorrow." He has offered to help out, but has been busy with his own work and personal issues came up so he's not around a whole lot during the day. Another co-worker of mine is in the middle of getting her own grant up and going so spends most of her time in the office in front of the computer. So nobody's around and I'm sick of waiting for someone else to help me when, really, a lot of work is waiting for me and this boredom and helplessness can be avoided. So yeah, I snapped then because I'm never going to get this done if I'm going to rely on others. I help out people a lot at work. When they have too much to do at one time, I step in and lighten the load a little. So I'm a little dissatisfied at the rate the favor has been repaid. I had to step away from the lab and let the emotion out in the privacy of the ladies room. It didn't make me feel any better and I just couldn't pull myself together so I went for a long walk, which helped a lot, but the bad feelings returned as soon as I stepped back into the lab.

I know all this probably doesn't make any sense. I'm just so unhappy with this job. I'm sick of (some) people always asking for favors and never returning them. I'm sick of being practically forced to do something for somebody else because "it's really easy" (if it's so easy, do it yourself--it's your project!) I'm sick of relying on other people to get my stuff done. Screw that! I'm going to find a way to do it myself, and do it well. Then I can take all the credit for the work, I'll be busy, and I'll be happier.

In short, I'm dissatisfied with my place in life. This job is going nowhere and brings me no satisfaction. I'd get more fulfillment staying home and keeping the house clean and baking whenever I want. I feel useless right now. I'm not doing what I want to do. I want out of this field so bad and I'm looking so forward to a possible PCS this coming spring. On the other hand, I won't be able to apply to the nursing program here at the UA, so that career goal is set back at least another year. I'm starting to give up on that aspiration. I'm getting older and attending school for so long will set back my goal to start a family by so many years. I don't want to be having children at 40. What's a woman to do? Maybe all this wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to pick me back up at the end of the day. Even with days being as bad as they are lately, at least I'd have my small family to come home to. But instead, I have an empty house that offer no comforting hug or encouraging words. I guess a little furry guy greeting me at the door with tail wagging will do for now and his daddy will pick up the slack when he comes home. But for now, my life is meaningless.

Dear deployment, f*%k you!

I hate this. I hate how I'm going through my life right now. I hate how my husband is so out of the picture for so long. This deployment is really getting to me and I'm upset, really upset. 

I am so disappointed with the phone conversations I've been having with my husband lately. We are luckier than others in that we get to talk every day, but when we have nothing to say to each other, these conversations don't do anything for me. I actually do all the talking, since I'm the one who has somewhat of a life, but it's just a one-sided conversation. I don't get much of a response from him. All I get is a "yeah" or "oh" or sometimes nothing at all! That's when I say "Hello! Are you still there?" (My cell phone loves to drop calls like crazy so I always have to check.) When I find out that he is there on the other side, not saying anything, I get mad. I swear, he is the hardest person to have a phone conversation with. And that, I believe, is a recipe for disaster, considering these phone conversations are all we have to go on right now. If he just showed some interest and talked to me, things would be a lot better.

I understand (as best as I can) how detached he must feel being so far away from home for so long, but this is all our marriage is right now! We just have the phone calls, so why can't he see that I need more from them? The guy usually likes to talk, but when it matters most, he can't seem to say more than a few words. He says he's trying, but it's still not enough for me because it doesn't seem that he gets just how important these phone calls are to our marriage. He doesn't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind. 

In my frustration I said some things I wish I could take back. I told him that I don't even feel like we have anything in common anymore if we can't even keep up a conversation. And how I'm worried that I can talk to other people with ease when we struggle. Now I have him all worried that his R&R is going to be awkward. I tried my best to reassure him about the marriage and that I love him, but I think the damage has been done. Crap. Shame on me for putting such worries in his head. I feel awful!

I can't wait for this to be over so things can go back to normal. You know, how a normal marriage is supposed to be with the two people living together and interacting with one another. Because I need more. This really is a test of how strong your marriage is. It makes me wonder how every one else copes. What do you do when the conversations start to fail or go stale? What do you do when they constantly fail to satisfy? And how do you deal with the lack of emotional connection? How do I make this easier?

The countdown begins

I'm so excited that September is almost over, that it just flew by like the rest of the summer. How awful to just wish your life away like that, isn't it? But I've held on this long and, quite honestly, I think I'm pretty awesome for it. As I go through my daily routine day after day, it really seems like nothing. I don't really think about it and I know it's something I just have to do, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that the fact that I haven't seen my husband in 9 months is kind of a big deal. At least it would be in the eyes of a civilian. I know there are milspouses out there who can almost do this in their sleep now! Regardless, I never thought I would be in this position. But as fate would have it, I fell in love with a military man! Yeah...I don't think I would have picked to spend my first year of marriage apart from my husband!

So I continue to wait and as time goes by I'm getting more and more excited (sqee!!!) With September pretty much over (OK not really, but let me think that OK?) I only have October and part of November until hubs and I are reunited. Too bad we don't have a set date so I can start planning our Vegas trip, but come on, we are dealing with the Army, right? We probably won't know until we're a week or two out from the time he requested for his R&R!

I am starting to prepare for his return now. Mainly, I've just been beefing up my cooking and baking repertoire--testing recipes out that he may enjoy, learning to bake godawful red velvet cake....I've even purchased a yellow ribbon cake pan after weeks of searching for one! Boxes have been unpacked for a while now and lots of pictures finally put in frames and hung up by yours truly. The house has been kept clean for the most part and everything has found a place, so the house has a lived-in look and feel to it. But even in the face of all these preparations, I can't help but think about what it's going to be like when he has to leave again. Forget about all the good stuff: being able to hold him again, to feel his arms around me, to nuzzle his neck, to be able to smell him again and wake up with him next to me. I'm looking forward to all of that, but I'm more absorbed in thoughts of impending emptiness, depression, and hopelessness that I will feel again when he leaves after those precious 18 days. I even have two songs to cry to that I'll have on repeat on my iPod so I can wallow properly (I'm sure they'll pop up on this blog when the time comes--they're too good at explaining how it'll be). It's really selfish on my part, but I almost wish he weren't coming home so I could be spared all these feelings. The worst is when they first leave and I've already adjusted to being alone. And now you're asking me to do it again?

I really don't know if I'm the only one to feel this way, but after reading about anticipatory grief on SpouseBuzz, I have a feeling that maybe I'm not. Because after reading that post, I now know that I'm not the only milspouse to play out in my head where I would be, how I would react, and what I would do to go on with my life if I were ever to receive the most awful news (God forbid!) As morbid as it is, there have been many others who've experienced this. So maybe this is another extension of that. Hmmm...

We will always remember

Nuff said.

LT G shut down

***UPDATE***

Lt. G's blog has been deleted. However, you can still access the address because his fiance, City Girl took over the domain name. She has announced that she will post as frequently as possible about how Lt. G and the rest of the Gravediggers are doing. She has also archived his blog!

This is the only soldier's blog that I've been reading on a regular basis and he's been ordered to shut it down due to this post! I'm so mad and disappointed. So stupid....

How could this happen?

I just now heard about this news story while watching my local news. So I decided to look it up on the good ol' Seattle Times. It's so sad. Apparently a father in Federal Way fell asleep with his son outside and had a fire going in the fire pit. When he woke up, he found his son in the pit, badly burned and dead. He's been taken into custody for investigation of manslaughter. If it was an accident, how can one be so careless with fire when their child is present? Did he pass out from intoxication? That's what I'm wondering, if in fact, this is a horrible accident. But I find it hard to believe that somebody could sleep through the poor child's screams of pain.

Rollercoaster

Feeling icky again. I don't get it...I was fine until today! Maybe it's our upcoming 1 year anniversary that's got me down this time. Back to just getting by. This is not how I want to live my life, by just getting by. Too bad hugging this little guy doesn't produce the feelings of comfort I'm looking for.

Miscommunications

I just got off the phone with Jon. I had been looking forward to his phone call this evening and was optimistic about the conversation. I just wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice. I've been missing him a lot lately and I feel so hopeless because there is nothing either of us can do about it.

Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I jokingly asked him if he ever got around to calling and complaining about my incident at a Border Patrol check point. I never expected him to follow through with his threat because he was really heated when he said all that. I figured if he didn't call soon after the threat was made, he wouldn't call at all because he would have cooled down enough to just forget about it--which is fine because if I really wanted something done about it, I would have called myself! I told all this to him and kind of gave him a hard time about it--all in jest of course. I'm always giving somebody crap about something, but it's all in good nature and hopefully not overly done. Weird as it may sound, at times it's how I show my affection.

Well, Jon took me seriously. I was in an affectionate mood and told him how much I loved him and missed him, but he responded with, "Whatever, just forget it" while I was expecting him to return with some lovey-doveyness. That was a huge blow to me and I just came crashing down. I have been super sensitive to everything these past couple of weeks and those words were all it took to completely turn my mood around. I couldn't stop crying. I explained to him several times that I was just giving him a hard time and I wasn't at all upset with him, but all I got was a cold response. His anger turned into frustration as he listened to me cry--he hates when I cry.

I really try hard not to cry when I'm talking to him. I try not to complain too much about things here. I don't want to burden him with problems I'm having because he's so far away right now and can't do anything for me. He just gets really frustrated when he hears me like this and I don't want to put him through that. It's just been really hard lately, and I don't know why. All that being said, when I'm noticeably down while I'm on the phone with him, I want some comforting, some soothing words and a soft tone....not a cold "Well I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about it." Nothing in the world makes me feel more alone than those words. It gets unbearable and I have to hang up with him so that I can lose it while he's not listening. Is it too much to ask for? Some affection from my husband, even though he's so far away? I wish he would understand what I need in times like these. Men aren't very intuitive and mine is not as emotionally expressive as I would like him to be.

I'm really sick of being in this state of mind. Two weeks is more than enough, and to this day I don't know if it was one specific event that set it off. It's been up and down for me lately--I feel bipolar! The trip to San Diego was a good distraction for me, but as soon as I got back I fell back into this funk. It comes down to how much time I have to think: the more time I have, the more I feel sorry for myself and stay stuck in this state. Keeping busy at work, talking to people, anything to keep my mind off this awful deployment...and I'm fine. But once I'm alone with nothing to do...that's when I mope.

The fact that this funk has lasted this long scares me. Am I depressed? I know how overdiagnosed depression is, but right now I feel like that is my case. I cry all the time now....even at work. So many times I've not been able to control myself, one of these days one of my co-workers is going to catch me. I put on my happy face when I'm around people.....I would be so embarrassed if one of them ever saw me crying. I'm losing interest in things, most namely, knitting!! Knitting was how I pictured surviving this deployment, but I have no desire really. I even bought some yarn from Kiwi yesterday, to force myself to start another project. But are those yarn balls slowly unwinding? Sadly, no...they remain in neat little balls on my couch as I type. I recently found that I lost weight. While in San Diego I had to buy a new pair of jeans because I was tired of pulling my pants up! I guess I haven't been eating as much and am keeping up with the exercise regimen....that will do it. I thought it was some sort of water fluctuation at first, but even after my trip full of eating every meal out and drinking a lot more than I usually do (don't really drink), the weight stayed off. Lately, all I want to do is drink! That is the only thing that will pacify me--just numb me now, please. I think what I need now is a HUG. This affectionate girl is really craving some physical affection!

Feeling better for now =)

Thank you everyone for the kind words. Sorry about the freak out post below, but I did feel better after I was done with it (hence the heavy editing done later on!) I hadn't felt that down since Jon left, and I knew it was bound to happen eventually. For the past 4 months I've been carrying on with my life as best as I can, falling into a routine to make things easier on me and pretty much trying to forget that my husband is gone....to a not-so-nice place half way across the world (!!!!) I'm really relying on the few friends I have here to help me keep my sanity. This is exactly what happened during our last tour.

Last time, I was in Seattle and Jon had left from Ft. Huachuca here in Arizona, so I was already used to the separation. It was still hard when he left....I couldn't make the trip down to see him off and he called me right before getting on the plane. I remember calling my mom right as I got off the phone with him, crying and telling her he was gone. Time wore on and I leaned heavily on friends to consume lots of spare time. I saw my closest friends everyday! I never spent a weekend alone, which was nice. I had a very nice support system going on. After a while, I guess I kind of grew numb to Jon's absence. I'm ashamed to say that I even started to take his phone calls for granted, as frequent as they were. I think I even stopped carrying my cell phone to the bathroom with me and to the gym. I felt so guilty about this. I tormented myself wondering what was wrong with me. Why did I not miss my husband so much anymore? Because I didn't allow myself to. It sounds awful, but as I told people back then, if I let myself miss him this whole time he was gone, I would be suffering greatly--it was a survival mechanism. It was one that Jon wasn't very keen to. But when he came home for his R&R, it was all honeymoon and violins and spring and flowers, so that when he left it was even harder on me than the first time. I almost wished that I didn't get to see him at all, because of how crappy I felt after he left--the uncontrollable whirlwind of sadness. But at the same time, I was reassured that I still did love him and that I wasn't a horrible unfeeling person.

And here I am going through it again. Except, I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. The numbness is there, though, and I don't miss my husband so terribly that I can't function (which would happen if I allowed myself to!) But every once in a while, like last weekend, a girl has to vent.....turn on that emotional faucet and let everything out. It is such a scary, overwhelming state because I can't control the way I feel or the rate the emotion comes out...it just overtakes me! And I really hate feeling out of control. I guess you can say that I momentarily snapped and I plead temporary insanity for the post below. Ughhh....I don't even know if I'm making sense, but that's the best way I can describe it. I suppose the only real way for one to know how it is would be to experience it for themselves.....but I hope you never don't!

In my panicked and desperate state I searched for other military spouse blogs and found Dig Your Toes In. I was really excited to find this blog written by a Navy wife! Especially since one of her recent posts was about what she calls The On and Off Switch of Military Marriage. This post is her version of explaining the inner emotional battle that I just described above. I felt like she was speaking to me because I knew exactly what she was describing!

I want to close this post by saying this: the times I've been in this out-of-control depressed state of mind, I always receive comfort and relief. Out of the blue I stumbled upon above-mentioned post describing exactly how I was feeling at that moment, making me feel a little less alone in this whole situation. In the past, I've received unexpected phone calls from friends I hadn't heard from in a while, inviting me out to dinner with them. I've received random emails from friends that don't email me too much, just to say hey. I really feel like God is sending these people to me during these times. Now I'm normally not one to think in this way, but I really believe that He is watching over me and He has my back in times like these ♥♥♥

:**[

I'm not having a good night. Weekends are bittersweet for me. I'm accustomed to counting down the days until Friday, but with Jon gone all that awaits me is an empty house. On these weekends I'm holed up in my house with my antisocial dog all. by. myself.

I've never liked being alone. I guess that's what happens when you grow up in a large family. Sure during my teenage years I longed for my alone time, but after a while it just got lonely. Even when I left home to go to Seattle U, I constantly surrounded myself with friends. It was just so great that my best friends were just down the hall or sharing the room with me! Even when I knew I should be studying, if my friends were going out to do something, I'd drop everything just so I wouldn't be the only one left behind. Even when I got my act together and dedicated myself to doing well in school, I did this with friends. I just got close to people in my classes--I never studied alone.

And then I moved away. So I left everything I knew behind: my family, my friends, my job, and everything I loved about Seattle. I wasn't looking forward to leaving, but I knew that sometime I would have to make the sacrifice since Jon didn't have a choice where he ended up. All was fine when I got here. My mom made the trip with me and helped me settle into my new house, and when she left I was busy readying everything for Jon's arrival.

September 2006 Jon came home from Iraq and from that time up until November 2007, I enjoyed being with him so much. I finally had my husband and we were starting our new lives together. That is, until the Army and orders ripped him away from me again. I knew it was coming that whole year, but I still couldn't help but feel outraged. Just because you know it's going to happen doesn't make it any easier. I was angry. Angry that I had sacrificed my life back home for this to happen. Angry that I left my family and friends behind in exchange for the lonliness to come. If I were back home this deployment wouldn't be so hard!!!

[I had a whole bunch more to say here, but I've cut all that out. I posted this when I was feeling really bad. I read over it again as I felt better and it just sounded ridiculous--sorry. Every once in a while, this whole situation gets really overwhelming and all the bad emotions are overly amplified. I guess I kind of lose it during these times. Thanks for the comments....you made me realize that I need to be greatful for everything I have, including the few friends I have made during this time. I'm moving on!]