I just got off the phone with Jon. I had been looking forward to his phone call this evening and was optimistic about the conversation. I just wanted to talk to him, to hear his voice. I've been missing him a lot lately and I feel so hopeless because there is nothing either of us can do about it.
Somewhere in the middle of the conversation, I jokingly asked him if he ever got around to calling and complaining about my incident at a Border Patrol check point. I never expected him to follow through with his threat because he was really heated when he said all that. I figured if he didn't call soon after the threat was made, he wouldn't call at all because he would have cooled down enough to just forget about it--which is fine because if I really wanted something done about it, I would have called myself! I told all this to him and kind of gave him a hard time about it--all in jest of course. I'm always giving somebody crap about something, but it's all in good nature and hopefully not overly done. Weird as it may sound, at times it's how I show my affection.
Well, Jon took me seriously. I was in an affectionate mood and told him how much I loved him and missed him, but he responded with, "Whatever, just forget it" while I was expecting him to return with some lovey-doveyness. That was a huge blow to me and I just came crashing down. I have been super sensitive to everything these past couple of weeks and those words were all it took to completely turn my mood around. I couldn't stop crying. I explained to him several times that I was just giving him a hard time and I wasn't at all upset with him, but all I got was a cold response. His anger turned into frustration as he listened to me cry--he hates when I cry.
I really try hard not to cry when I'm talking to him. I try not to complain too much about things here. I don't want to burden him with problems I'm having because he's so far away right now and can't do anything for me. He just gets really frustrated when he hears me like this and I don't want to put him through that. It's just been really hard lately, and I don't know why. All that being said, when I'm noticeably down while I'm on the phone with him, I want some comforting, some soothing words and a soft tone....not a cold "Well I'm sorry, but I can't do anything about it." Nothing in the world makes me feel more alone than those words. It gets unbearable and I have to hang up with him so that I can lose it while he's not listening. Is it too much to ask for? Some affection from my husband, even though he's so far away? I wish he would understand what I need in times like these. Men aren't very intuitive and mine is not as emotionally expressive as I would like him to be.
I'm really sick of being in this state of mind. Two weeks is more than enough, and to this day I don't know if it was one specific event that set it off. It's been up and down for me lately--I feel bipolar! The trip to San Diego was a good distraction for me, but as soon as I got back I fell back into this funk. It comes down to how much time I have to think: the more time I have, the more I feel sorry for myself and stay stuck in this state. Keeping busy at work, talking to people, anything to keep my mind off this awful deployment...and I'm fine. But once I'm alone with nothing to do...that's when I mope.
The fact that this funk has lasted this long scares me. Am I depressed? I know how overdiagnosed depression is, but right now I feel like that is my case. I cry all the time now....even at work. So many times I've not been able to control myself, one of these days one of my co-workers is going to catch me. I put on my happy face when I'm around people.....I would be so embarrassed if one of them ever saw me crying. I'm losing interest in things, most namely, knitting!! Knitting was how I pictured surviving this deployment, but I have no desire really. I even bought some yarn from Kiwi yesterday, to force myself to start another project. But are those yarn balls slowly unwinding? Sadly, no...they remain in neat little balls on my couch as I type. I recently found that I lost weight. While in San Diego I had to buy a new pair of jeans because I was tired of pulling my pants up! I guess I haven't been eating as much and am keeping up with the exercise regimen....that will do it. I thought it was some sort of water fluctuation at first, but even after my trip full of eating every meal out and drinking a lot more than I usually do (don't really drink), the weight stayed off. Lately, all I want to do is drink! That is the only thing that will pacify me--just numb me now, please. I think what I need now is a HUG. This affectionate girl is really craving some physical affection!