Thursday, May 28, 2009

In loving memory

I want to thank everyone for their kind words. I can't believe it's been 4 days without Sammy and I'm already getting used to not having him around.  I guess it's because we've been forcing ourselves to adjust to life without him. The day after Sam-dog passed, Jon already put his bowls away, washed his bed cover and blankie and put them away, put all his toys away, and picked up his poop. For me it was too early....I wanted to hang on to him as long as I could. It's clear that we have different ways of coping. Where Jon wants to put everything away so he doesn't think about him, I wanted all of it around to remember him and, I suppose, to wallow in my grief for longer.

I still have my moments, though. Not a day goes by where I haven't cried for my baby. Random things will be too overwhelming for me, such as doing yoga yesterday morning. The last time I did yoga Sammy was still with us. I would get up early and take Sammy out to the living room with me so his daddy could sleep in. He would be right under my feet as I was in a pose and I'd have to move him because I couldn't go into the next pose. Anytime I was on the floor, he would come up to me and lie down right next to me, with his head on me. He'd look so cute as he looked at me expectantly this way. I remembered all this yesterday and was overcome with sadness and emptiness. After I was done I went to his bed, which still smells like him, and cried and talked to him and God. I still feel him around me.

I'm definitely healing, but I'm afraid of forgetting. So I've decided to compile a list of my favorite things that made Sammy who he was:
  • He's always been demanding and persistent. Jon and I lost a lot of sleep when he was a puppy because he would not stop barking when we put him in his crate for the night.
  • He slept underneath the bed until he absolutely could not fit under there anymore.
  • Without fail, he hid whenever he heard the shower go on. When he was younger when we wanted to bathe him, he would hide under the bed and we would have to drag him out of there. This was a two person job!
  • More recently, if he knew bath time was imminent he would forego the hiding and immediately jump into the bath tub. The day Jon came home for R&R he wanted to take a shower after the long trip. Sammy thought it was his bath time even though he had just had one and without any indication on our part, he jumped into the shower, bandanna and all. He just sat in there while Jon took his shower.
  • He's the only dog I've had that actually plays fetch. He used to bring the ball back and actually drop it on to our laps for us to throw it for him again.
  • He kicked his little feet up after he went to the bathroom.
  • The way he used to bark softly when he was ready to come back in.
  • He used to watch TV and especially loved the Dog Whisperer.
  • How he hated when mommy and daddy would lift his top lip up to mock him baring his teeth. When he saw me getting ready to do this he would yank his head away.
  • He used to go into his "box" (crate) on command. Sometimes he'd even go in there when he knew that mommy was angry with him.
  • How submissive he was whenever I greeted him when I came home or even in the mornings when we woke up. 
  • When I caught him doing something naughty, all I would have to do was point at the evidence and say in a low voice, "What is this?" for him to hang his head down and be submissive.
  • When he was submissive his ears would lie flat on his head and he would lick his little chops.
  • He was never an affectionate dog, but he knew mommy loved getting little kisses from him and I actually trained him to give them when I asked for them! 
  • He tolerated hugs from mommy.
  • He wasn't a little pig when it came to eating. He would eat a little bit of food and drink water, then lie back down. In a little while he would go back and eat.
  • He used to eat when we left, which we thought was weird. Later, he didn't eat when we left.
  • He didn't eat his own food until he knew for sure that he wasn't getting any table scraps.
  • When we did give him table scraps, he would sit down while we were putting it in his bowl and would sit there, even for up to a minute, until we told him "Eat".
  • He turned around 3 times before plopping down on his bed.
  • Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I'd see him up and looking at himself in the mirror.
  • He used to look at me through the mirror. When I caught him doing this I'd always start acting crazy, causing him to turn around and look at me. Who says dogs don't recognize reflections?
  • I'd sometimes wake up in the morning to find him behind the bedroom curtain, looking out the window.
  • He figured out pretty soon that when mommy got in the shower he could lie on the bed without her knowing, as long as he jumped off when she got out. I knew because of all the fur it left behind, and if I smoothed the covers there would be puppy imprints on the quilt.
  • He wouldn't jump on the couches if we put pillows, magazines, or blankets over them. The day before he died, though, we found that he had actually moved the blanket over so he could lay in his favorite spot.
  • Whenever he heard the laptop snap shut he would jump up and look at me expectantly, knowing it was bed time.
  • Whenever I got the laptop out in the mornings and sat down to breakfast he would immediately look up at the ceiling, looking for the reflective light that he loved to chase around.
  • How he'd give me "crooked lip" when I said key words such as "walk", "roof rack", or other random words.
  • His "hole chest". (Just his fur pattern there)
  • He was always waiting at the door when we came home.


Cole said...

Such good memories, Tania. It's great that you are documenting all the little things that made Sammy the dog that you love so much.

Full of Heart said...

Sounds like a sweet little dog you had there! Everyone grieves in their own ways, and no way is more right or more wrong than any other...

. Becca . said...

HEartbreaking, I'm SO sorry!

Minhui said...


jlc said...

oh my gosh!!! i am so so sorry. i can't imagine how hard it'd be if i lost piper.

i wish i had something better to say.... i always suck at this.

lots of xoxo your way!!!

jlc said...

and i agree with cole, this is such a perfect way to keep those good memories alive forever!!


Casey (@ Ever-Changing Life) said...

Sounds like such a sweet dog!

Jaime said...

I am so sorry ;( Loses like these...well there really are not words. *hugs*

lala said...

I read this post at work and I had to stop part way thru because I had tears coming, and that awful lump you get in the throat when you're trying not to cry...

I'm so sorry you lost your pup. Did the vet give you any answers as to what happened?

Again I'm so, so sorry. :[[