Friday, September 19, 2008

The countdown begins

I'm so excited that September is almost over, that it just flew by like the rest of the summer. How awful to just wish your life away like that, isn't it? But I've held on this long and, quite honestly, I think I'm pretty awesome for it. As I go through my daily routine day after day, it really seems like nothing. I don't really think about it and I know it's something I just have to do, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that the fact that I haven't seen my husband in 9 months is kind of a big deal. At least it would be in the eyes of a civilian. I know there are milspouses out there who can almost do this in their sleep now! Regardless, I never thought I would be in this position. But as fate would have it, I fell in love with a military man! Yeah...I don't think I would have picked to spend my first year of marriage apart from my husband!

So I continue to wait and as time goes by I'm getting more and more excited (sqee!!!) With September pretty much over (OK not really, but let me think that OK?) I only have October and part of November until hubs and I are reunited. Too bad we don't have a set date so I can start planning our Vegas trip, but come on, we are dealing with the Army, right? We probably won't know until we're a week or two out from the time he requested for his R&R!

I am starting to prepare for his return now. Mainly, I've just been beefing up my cooking and baking repertoire--testing recipes out that he may enjoy, learning to bake godawful red velvet cake....I've even purchased a yellow ribbon cake pan after weeks of searching for one! Boxes have been unpacked for a while now and lots of pictures finally put in frames and hung up by yours truly. The house has been kept clean for the most part and everything has found a place, so the house has a lived-in look and feel to it. But even in the face of all these preparations, I can't help but think about what it's going to be like when he has to leave again. Forget about all the good stuff: being able to hold him again, to feel his arms around me, to nuzzle his neck, to be able to smell him again and wake up with him next to me. I'm looking forward to all of that, but I'm more absorbed in thoughts of impending emptiness, depression, and hopelessness that I will feel again when he leaves after those precious 18 days. I even have two songs to cry to that I'll have on repeat on my iPod so I can wallow properly (I'm sure they'll pop up on this blog when the time comes--they're too good at explaining how it'll be). It's really selfish on my part, but I almost wish he weren't coming home so I could be spared all these feelings. The worst is when they first leave and I've already adjusted to being alone. And now you're asking me to do it again?

I really don't know if I'm the only one to feel this way, but after reading about anticipatory grief on SpouseBuzz, I have a feeling that maybe I'm not. Because after reading that post, I now know that I'm not the only milspouse to play out in my head where I would be, how I would react, and what I would do to go on with my life if I were ever to receive the most awful news (God forbid!) As morbid as it is, there have been many others who've experienced this. So maybe this is another extension of that. Hmmm...

1 comment:

raecatherine said...

Just enjoy it while you can and store up all the hugs you need!