As this deployment winds down....

I'm nervous! I've been forced to adapt to having my husband gone for over a year, and within a couple days I'm expected to throw that all out the window and carry on with normal life. As sad as it is, I consider my life right now as normal! It's going to be hard deviating from my deployment routine and having to actually take somebody else into account in daily decisions now!

That doesn't mean I'm not looking forward to it! I do have the slightest of little butterflies in my stomach when I think about Jon coming home, but I think Sara described it best: most of all I'm just relieved that it's almost all over. Even if I wanted to, I cannot get genuinely EXCITED. I don't even feel like he's coming home yet. It's a nice idea, a much awaited dream come true, but it almost sounds too good to be true. My survival mechanism won't be shut off so easily.

Last but not least, I just wanted to give a big hug and thank you to all my blog friends out there! You all have helped me through this deployment in ways other people couldn't, mainly because I'm much more open writing here than I am talking to "real-life" people. 

It started one day in April when I just lost it and went on a search for other milspouse blogs. This blog wasn't initially started to connect with new people...just with people I already knew (shout out to Rae, Cheryl, and Drea--study buddies and detractors in college)! But I am so glad that I found you all! I feel so blessed to have you all as a part of my life and truly consider you all friends, even though we've never met in real life before (although I hope we can eventually)! Thank you for the camaraderie, for the supportive words, for all those virtual hugs....this is a sisterhood I'm grateful for being a part of!

And he's off

This sight made me cry this morning, and I thought to snap a picture of it.

It always happens that departure day comes too soon, huh? It's crazy how 18 days can fly by so fast. And I was crazy to think, back at day 1 of R&R that saying goodbye to him again would be cake because I've got surviving separation down to an art. I started clinging to him on Tuesday, upon realization that I only had 3 full days left with him. His imminent departure would bring tears to my eyes at random times of the day, but he would know why I was crying. I try not to show him how hard it is for me because I know it's already hard enough for him to leave as it is, but I'm a very emotional person.....unlike him.

But today I got to see that this is really hard for him too. I always got the feeling that this separation was easier for him, but today I could see that it killed him to leave me this morning. I could see it in his face, hear it in his voice, and realize it when he reached for me. It was really hard to let him go, and I did not stay behind to watch his plane take off like I did when he first left. I booked it home and was still able to hear it take off (we live that close to the airport).....right on time. I just went right back to bed, not wanting to face the empty house at the moment.

It was fitful sleep that I got, full of dreams of sitting at the airport....and his face....and his voice. I'm so used to him being there that every time I woke up I was surprised to find his side of the bed empty. I just turned over and went back to sleep again to avoid the realization. It was just a little awful to wake up alone.

You have to get up sometime, though. And I need a day to myself, to mope and look like crap and just get it out of my system. And I have lovely Jem to accompany me. The two songs I posted on my blog echo true to how I feel, so they provide me with an outlet...and some comfort. Tomorrow, it's back to my solitary routine. I foresee lots of baking as distraction and for the holidays, less eating as I've gained some weight, and lots of catch up knitting for Christmas presents.

There is a silver lining to all this, though. At the end of this R&R we only have a little over 2 months left of this tour! December, to me, doesn't count because I know it's just going to fly by because I need more time to finish knitting and baking Christmas presents. Then there's January and the short month of February, and he's back home sometime in March!

What not to say to a milspouse

I really am clueless when it comes to the Army lifestyle. I live 75 miles away from our post and I work and interact strictly with civilians. Sometimes I wish I could live on post so that I'm surrounded by people who understand the whole lifestyle.

Today, at work, I was talking about my goal to lose weight before Jon gets here because one co-worker asked me if I was going running again. I stated that even when Jon is here, I plan on working out some and maybe even making him go with me. In response, another co-worker expressed disbelief at this and told me that Jon was home for relaxation. Now, I'm not going to force my husband to work out with me. I just thought it would be nice if he could join me some time and see what it is I do while he's gone. During one of our conversations he told me how sick of the gym he was, so maybe this would be a good way to shake things up in his routine. He went through a period when he was just so down about his situation, saying that maybe 9 months was the breaking point for him and how he should have scheduled his R&R earlier. He was getting sick of the routine, just going to 3 places every day for so long: his room, his office, and the gym. 

I was telling all this to my co-workers and didn't know what to say when the response was "And he's complaining?" and "I do that!" I was so upset! I remember I did respond, but don't remember what I said to defend my husband. I'm sure it was lost anyways, as they moved on to a different subject. I was almost in tears. When I get that upset, a horrible lump forms in my throat and the tears come next--I hate it. I wish I didn't cry for everything lately. Why did they say all that? Even if it was in a joking manner (which I kind of doubt), I didn't like it one bit. I thought these people, of all people, would be a little more sympathetic. They just don't understand. Hell, I don't even understand what my husband has to go through! Maybe they do just follow the same routine every day, but they choose to. Are they 7,000 miles away from their families? No. They get to go home to their families at the end of every day. If they have a hard day at work, they can choose to sit back and unwind, maybe even throw back a cold one. My husband can't do any of that. He complains he can't get away from work, and even then, what else is there to do? He just ends up going back in. And we all know about General Order No. 1. so no stress relief with alcohol. Which reminds me, Jon has taken up smoking cigars as stress relief and for camaraderie. He's not a smoker by any means, so I laughed when I found that out when an invoice for said cigars was mailed to me. 

Anyways, had to get that all off my chest. I think I about exploded. I forgot about it during my kickboxing class, but thought about it again in the shower. That lump wouldn't go away and I couldn't stop crying, I was so mad! How dare they take for granted what my husband is doing right now! They made it sound so trivial! I really wanted to throw something back in their faces and make them eat their own words, but I bit my tongue. I'd like to see them go over there for 15 months, no, even "just" 12 months without seeing or being able to hold their babies, or kiss their spouses, or do whatever they want, because freedom is very limited in our soldiers' world. Maybe I'm being hypersensitive about the whole thing, but I think I have a good reason. I mean, it's been a year, almost to the day(27 Nov 2007), since I saw Jon. But I feel better now. Really.

The answer that solves all problems

See more Natalie Portman videos at Funny or Die

This would be Jon's response as well. He's such a softie when it comes to dogs!

Keeping on the happy note, we now have a date for R&R! The countdown begins...and so does the rush in perfecting red velvet cake in my yellow ribbon cake pan, maybe losing some weight to give me more room for gaining some when he comes home, and various other jobs around the house. Can I take time off before he gets here to prepare?

I just don't get the Army

My husband's company just got deactivated. When we first heard the news that this was going to happen, we were both upset. He, because he has been Company Commander for just short of a year and he says it will look bad for his next review. He lost this not because of his performance, but because of the deactivation, but this won't be specified. I'm upset because he still has to stay over there. The company was deactivated because their mission is done, right? So why would he have to stay? No, instead he is being moved and will be Assistant S3 for the remainder of the tour. I don't understand why he and the rest of his company couldn't be sent home early if there was another company in the battalion that didn't deploy until late April. (The rest of the battalion deployed in December 2007). That's just the way the Army works.

Dear deployment, f*%k you!

I hate this. I hate how I'm going through my life right now. I hate how my husband is so out of the picture for so long. This deployment is really getting to me and I'm upset, really upset. 

I am so disappointed with the phone conversations I've been having with my husband lately. We are luckier than others in that we get to talk every day, but when we have nothing to say to each other, these conversations don't do anything for me. I actually do all the talking, since I'm the one who has somewhat of a life, but it's just a one-sided conversation. I don't get much of a response from him. All I get is a "yeah" or "oh" or sometimes nothing at all! That's when I say "Hello! Are you still there?" (My cell phone loves to drop calls like crazy so I always have to check.) When I find out that he is there on the other side, not saying anything, I get mad. I swear, he is the hardest person to have a phone conversation with. And that, I believe, is a recipe for disaster, considering these phone conversations are all we have to go on right now. If he just showed some interest and talked to me, things would be a lot better.

I understand (as best as I can) how detached he must feel being so far away from home for so long, but this is all our marriage is right now! We just have the phone calls, so why can't he see that I need more from them? The guy usually likes to talk, but when it matters most, he can't seem to say more than a few words. He says he's trying, but it's still not enough for me because it doesn't seem that he gets just how important these phone calls are to our marriage. He doesn't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind. 

In my frustration I said some things I wish I could take back. I told him that I don't even feel like we have anything in common anymore if we can't even keep up a conversation. And how I'm worried that I can talk to other people with ease when we struggle. Now I have him all worried that his R&R is going to be awkward. I tried my best to reassure him about the marriage and that I love him, but I think the damage has been done. Crap. Shame on me for putting such worries in his head. I feel awful!

I can't wait for this to be over so things can go back to normal. You know, how a normal marriage is supposed to be with the two people living together and interacting with one another. Because I need more. This really is a test of how strong your marriage is. It makes me wonder how every one else copes. What do you do when the conversations start to fail or go stale? What do you do when they constantly fail to satisfy? And how do you deal with the lack of emotional connection? How do I make this easier?

The countdown begins

I'm so excited that September is almost over, that it just flew by like the rest of the summer. How awful to just wish your life away like that, isn't it? But I've held on this long and, quite honestly, I think I'm pretty awesome for it. As I go through my daily routine day after day, it really seems like nothing. I don't really think about it and I know it's something I just have to do, but when I sit down and really think about it, I realize that the fact that I haven't seen my husband in 9 months is kind of a big deal. At least it would be in the eyes of a civilian. I know there are milspouses out there who can almost do this in their sleep now! Regardless, I never thought I would be in this position. But as fate would have it, I fell in love with a military man! Yeah...I don't think I would have picked to spend my first year of marriage apart from my husband!

So I continue to wait and as time goes by I'm getting more and more excited (sqee!!!) With September pretty much over (OK not really, but let me think that OK?) I only have October and part of November until hubs and I are reunited. Too bad we don't have a set date so I can start planning our Vegas trip, but come on, we are dealing with the Army, right? We probably won't know until we're a week or two out from the time he requested for his R&R!

I am starting to prepare for his return now. Mainly, I've just been beefing up my cooking and baking repertoire--testing recipes out that he may enjoy, learning to bake godawful red velvet cake....I've even purchased a yellow ribbon cake pan after weeks of searching for one! Boxes have been unpacked for a while now and lots of pictures finally put in frames and hung up by yours truly. The house has been kept clean for the most part and everything has found a place, so the house has a lived-in look and feel to it. But even in the face of all these preparations, I can't help but think about what it's going to be like when he has to leave again. Forget about all the good stuff: being able to hold him again, to feel his arms around me, to nuzzle his neck, to be able to smell him again and wake up with him next to me. I'm looking forward to all of that, but I'm more absorbed in thoughts of impending emptiness, depression, and hopelessness that I will feel again when he leaves after those precious 18 days. I even have two songs to cry to that I'll have on repeat on my iPod so I can wallow properly (I'm sure they'll pop up on this blog when the time comes--they're too good at explaining how it'll be). It's really selfish on my part, but I almost wish he weren't coming home so I could be spared all these feelings. The worst is when they first leave and I've already adjusted to being alone. And now you're asking me to do it again?

I really don't know if I'm the only one to feel this way, but after reading about anticipatory grief on SpouseBuzz, I have a feeling that maybe I'm not. Because after reading that post, I now know that I'm not the only milspouse to play out in my head where I would be, how I would react, and what I would do to go on with my life if I were ever to receive the most awful news (God forbid!) As morbid as it is, there have been many others who've experienced this. So maybe this is another extension of that. Hmmm...

Every girl has her moments

I had a nice chat with a girl at work today. Her husband recently got back from Iraq a few months ago. She was pregnant when he left and he was able to be home for the birth. The time they spent together during R&R was the longest time they've spent together, up until now. He's leaving the Army.....I think he's been deployed three times already and is done with the whole thing. I'm so happy for them!

It's so nice to see a fellow milspouse reunited with her husband. It really makes me happy. I remember when she stopped by the lab earlier and we got to talking about how much deployment sucks. She was talking about how sometimes her son would do something cute and how hard it was for her that her husband wasn't there to see it, and how sometimes how her son looked so much like her husband. I remember how she was holding back her tears, trying to hold it together as she was saying all this. It's a stark change to how I saw her today. She was just so happy, and offering to help out in any way that she can, since she knows what I'm going through. 

Seeing her happy gives me hope and something to look forward to, because my time is coming too. Although I'm at the top of the emotional rollercoaster now, there still are times when I'm reminded of Jon.

Case in point, last weekend I went to see You Don't Mess With the Zohan by myself. This is the kind of movie I would normally watch with Jon because it's his favorite kind of movie. I probably wouldn't have seen it at all, except he was telling me he really wanted to see it after he saw the preview for it on some DVD he just watched. As weird as it may sound, I went and saw the movie because I felt like it connected me with my husband. As I sat there in the dark watching the previews to other comedy movies coming out this summer, I was hit with an overwhelming feeling of longing: at that moment I missed my husband more than I've missed him in a while. In my case, with more time spent apart, the "missing" has numbed down. For me it is a dull ache that doesn't go away--it's noticeable, but it's tolerable, much like a dull headache. But at that moment when I looked over at the empty seat beside me where Jon would be sitting, I felt my heart wrench. I pictured him sitting there laughing his ass off at the ridiculous scenes being played on the screen, and looking at me to see if I appreciated it as much as he did--God I miss his laugh. I'm just glad it was dark in there because people would probably think I was crazy for crying during a comedy!

Thankfully, moments like these are rare, otherwise I'd be walking around with red, swollen eyes all the time! Jon and I have been talking on Skype as much as we can, and it really makes a difference to be able to see him, to see his facial expressions and mannerisms. I really get more out of the conversation, especially if he's being his usual non-chatty self. Here's a picture I'd like to share with you all (he's going to hate me for this)!

You can see yourself too when you're on Skype. See me taking the picture in the little window?

By the way, you're also looking at the new MacBook hubby bought for me. We got it for a really good price, refurbished but good as new. He bought it for me so that we can talk on video cam, as the desktop equipped with Vista simply refused to let me to connect to Skype, or iTunes store, or any program that required an Internet connection.

PC: "Internet connection not detected."

Tania: "Dammit! I KNOW there's an Internet connection! I'm checking my email at this very moment! Fuck you PC!"

I hate frickin' Vista.

Left Behind?

Ever since I've discovered the world of milspouse blogging, I've become a frequent reader of SpouseBuzz. It is a wonderful website for people like me who are trying to get through deployments, TDYs, PCSs, and everything else a military lifestyle can throw your way. (As a side note, I'm still getting used to the endless list of acronyms that the military so likes to use. Here's a complete list for anyone who's interested....I'm not even going to pretend I know them all!) The numerous milspouse blogs that I frequent have kept me going, reminding me that I'm not alone in this whole thing. They've taken the place of my FRG (omg look, another acronym!) 

Last month and again this past week, Joan d'Arc, a contributing blogger on SpouseBuzz wrote about feeling left behind when their spouse leaves for one reason or another (first post here and second post here). A lot of milspouses weighed in on the term, with varying feelings on the subject. Some stated that their husbands are just doing their jobs and didn't choose to leave, with some going as far as comparing TDY/deployment to them going to work (a 15 month deployment is a little different from an 8-hour workday in my opinion.....just a little, though). Some said in a sense they do feel left behind because sometimes their spouses go off to some exotic, exciting place while they stay at home. 

For me, I definitely do feel left behind. I know my husband didn't choose to leave, to leave me with the task of selling our house, to leave me with our troublesome puppy, or to leave me to cope with no close friends or family. He tells me all the time how much he wished he could be home with me, and this makes me feel good. I'm getting through it. I sold the house, our dog is behaving better than ever now, and I'm keeping busy for the most part, successful some days and failing on others. What I don't like about this deployment is the fact that my life has essentially been on hold now for 6.5 months, and will continue to be on hold for another 8.5 months (not to mention he doesn't come home for R&R until late November!) I'm normally a person who tries to live life to the fullest, but during these deployment stints, I'm sitting and waiting for my life to resume. I find it hard to take up anything new, because I want to do it with him. I mean, isn't that how marriage is supposed to work anyways? You're supposed to walk the path of life together, share life experiences. It occurred to me that even seemingly small things are affected by this feeling I'm experiencing. For instance, I haven't made much of an effort to decorate the house. Sure, I hung up whatever pictures we have (save the big, heavy ones for hubby!), but there's so much more I would like to do, but I haven't because I want his opinion and he isn't here to give it to me. I have a huge blank wall in the living room that's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do with it. A lot of women would just go ahead and do what they want, but I don't operate that way.

I miss having a man around the house. Although I pride myself in being a physically strong woman, I can't lift everything! I think Jon is pretty lucky for having  a tough cookie of a wife such as myself. I mean, just the two of us moved our entire belongings to Tucson! One man and one woman carrying all the full boxes, couches, washer and dryer, and bedroom furniture--any typical woman wouldn't have been able to handle all that! I never want to do that again! Like I said, there are a couple heavy pictures I can barely lift above my head, let alone hang up on a wall. A TV has been sitting on my bedroom floor for months now because I simply could not lift it up to put it up on Jon's high dresser (I have really weak shoulders and can't lift much above shoulder height). These tasks all necessitate manly strength that I lack.

Another aspect of being left behind is having to deal with living totally different lives. I feel like we are going in different directions during this time. What is important and pertinent in his daily life right now are not the same for me in mine. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. Sometimes I scare myself that these differences will develop into something more and that he will be a completely different man from the one that I fell in love with and the one I know.

I think this deployment would go a lot more smoothly for me if I felt I had some purpose in life. When he was home, being with him and being happy was my purpose, but that is gone now. In terms of the rest of my life, I'm not doing what I want to be doing in the job area, I got rejected from nursing school last March, I'm far from the other people who matter to me most, and I feel stuck. I think these feelings, this need for a purpose, have been the reason for my strong urge to have children. Because I know when this happens, my life will change forever and my life will be my kids. I am ready to take the step and dedicate my entire being to this purpose. This deployment isn't the first time I've been thinking about it. I've been wanting a baby for a while now. If only Jon were ready too. I suppose we should give it more time, considering we've only been married a year now. But when will he be ready?

Flat Mommy

While perusing the world of milspouse blogs, I stumbled upon a "nontraditional" milspouse--a husband who stayed behind with his daughter while his wife was deployed overseas. To every family gathering and trip, he carted along "Flat Mommy" and took pictures to document life without his wife. I got a little teary-eyed while flipping through the pages of The Flat Mommy Book. I've said it before and I'll say it again--I don't know how these "single" parents do it. I have a hard enough time on my own!