Thursday, October 30, 2008

Warning: this is not a particularly upbeat post

I just need to vent--that is one of the reasons I started this blog in the first place! So I apologize ahead of time for the pessimism and the lack of cohesiveness.

Today was just hard. There is only so long I can go through this monotonous life of mine without breaking down. This deployment leaves me on a roller coaster of emotion. I had another bout of hopelessness and loneliness back in April that lasted until June. I know it won't be bad this time because Jon is coming home in a couple of weeks!

For the past month I have been utterly discouraged by my daily routine. I quit my Bally gym membership a couple months ago because my cardio kickboxing class, my only reason for the membership, was getting extremely stale and didn't challenge me anymore. Wanting to keep up with it, I started taking the one offered on Davis Monthan AFB. I still walk out of that class drenched in sweat so there is no question about the intensity or challenge. But I've been slacking on my workouts all-together, only making the class once a week and completely skipping out on my running routine. One reason could be that I have chronic pain in my left hip abductor (or is it adductor?), left knee, and left foot. I just saw an ortho doctor today and he basically told me to cross train more and run less. Fat chance! Why are doctors not interested in getting to the bottom of a condition? I don't want to quit running, you idiot! That's why I'm here to see you! I not a dumb ass. I know if I quit running my symptoms will probably improve. The problem is I want to continue to do it, but minus the pain!

So, I'm lacking motivation to keep up with any sort of workout regime. And now I think I've figured out why I can't get excited about anything lately. It's my job. For a long time now, I've been very unhappy with it. I hate having to find stuff to do at work. I used to be super busy, back when I had my own project and could dictate what I was doing day to day. But now, I rely on other people to give me work to do. Everyone is working on their own thing so I'm left with nothing to do. I've been very bored for months now--I have no fulfillment with this job whatsoever. I've been getting to work later and later. What is the point of going in if I have nothing to do? I dread an empty day. It's really hard for me to get out of bed in the mornings, as a result. 

I've had one project going on that I really want to finish, but it is a two person job. Like I said before, everyone has their own shit to take care of so I've been waiting and waiting for someone's schedule to open up so that they can help me. I just snapped when a co-worker told me he was "going to be sick tomorrow." He has offered to help out, but has been busy with his own work and personal issues came up so he's not around a whole lot during the day. Another co-worker of mine is in the middle of getting her own grant up and going so spends most of her time in the office in front of the computer. So nobody's around and I'm sick of waiting for someone else to help me when, really, a lot of work is waiting for me and this boredom and helplessness can be avoided. So yeah, I snapped then because I'm never going to get this done if I'm going to rely on others. I help out people a lot at work. When they have too much to do at one time, I step in and lighten the load a little. So I'm a little dissatisfied at the rate the favor has been repaid. I had to step away from the lab and let the emotion out in the privacy of the ladies room. It didn't make me feel any better and I just couldn't pull myself together so I went for a long walk, which helped a lot, but the bad feelings returned as soon as I stepped back into the lab.

I know all this probably doesn't make any sense. I'm just so unhappy with this job. I'm sick of (some) people always asking for favors and never returning them. I'm sick of being practically forced to do something for somebody else because "it's really easy" (if it's so easy, do it yourself--it's your project!) I'm sick of relying on other people to get my stuff done. Screw that! I'm going to find a way to do it myself, and do it well. Then I can take all the credit for the work, I'll be busy, and I'll be happier.

In short, I'm dissatisfied with my place in life. This job is going nowhere and brings me no satisfaction. I'd get more fulfillment staying home and keeping the house clean and baking whenever I want. I feel useless right now. I'm not doing what I want to do. I want out of this field so bad and I'm looking so forward to a possible PCS this coming spring. On the other hand, I won't be able to apply to the nursing program here at the UA, so that career goal is set back at least another year. I'm starting to give up on that aspiration. I'm getting older and attending school for so long will set back my goal to start a family by so many years. I don't want to be having children at 40. What's a woman to do? Maybe all this wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to pick me back up at the end of the day. Even with days being as bad as they are lately, at least I'd have my small family to come home to. But instead, I have an empty house that offer no comforting hug or encouraging words. I guess a little furry guy greeting me at the door with tail wagging will do for now and his daddy will pick up the slack when he comes home. But for now, my life is meaningless.

1 comment:

raecatherine said...

tania, i feel for you with jon being gone, and your frustration about work. if nursing is really an aspiration for you, don't let 2-3 years of school get you down. a lifetime or even a good chunk of it is a long time to spend in a job you hate.

do your current job skills transfer to another setting that you'd like to explore? would you be more satisfied being self-employed? putting your knitting or cake-making to work? or dabbling in it on the side, seeing what it becomes?

just some food for thought. every day matters.

i hope you have someone you can talk to that is physically present.