Monday, October 13, 2008

Dear deployment, f*%k you!

I hate this. I hate how I'm going through my life right now. I hate how my husband is so out of the picture for so long. This deployment is really getting to me and I'm upset, really upset. 

I am so disappointed with the phone conversations I've been having with my husband lately. We are luckier than others in that we get to talk every day, but when we have nothing to say to each other, these conversations don't do anything for me. I actually do all the talking, since I'm the one who has somewhat of a life, but it's just a one-sided conversation. I don't get much of a response from him. All I get is a "yeah" or "oh" or sometimes nothing at all! That's when I say "Hello! Are you still there?" (My cell phone loves to drop calls like crazy so I always have to check.) When I find out that he is there on the other side, not saying anything, I get mad. I swear, he is the hardest person to have a phone conversation with. And that, I believe, is a recipe for disaster, considering these phone conversations are all we have to go on right now. If he just showed some interest and talked to me, things would be a lot better.

I understand (as best as I can) how detached he must feel being so far away from home for so long, but this is all our marriage is right now! We just have the phone calls, so why can't he see that I need more from them? The guy usually likes to talk, but when it matters most, he can't seem to say more than a few words. He says he's trying, but it's still not enough for me because it doesn't seem that he gets just how important these phone calls are to our marriage. He doesn't know what it's like to be the one who is left behind. 

In my frustration I said some things I wish I could take back. I told him that I don't even feel like we have anything in common anymore if we can't even keep up a conversation. And how I'm worried that I can talk to other people with ease when we struggle. Now I have him all worried that his R&R is going to be awkward. I tried my best to reassure him about the marriage and that I love him, but I think the damage has been done. Crap. Shame on me for putting such worries in his head. I feel awful!

I can't wait for this to be over so things can go back to normal. You know, how a normal marriage is supposed to be with the two people living together and interacting with one another. Because I need more. This really is a test of how strong your marriage is. It makes me wonder how every one else copes. What do you do when the conversations start to fail or go stale? What do you do when they constantly fail to satisfy? And how do you deal with the lack of emotional connection? How do I make this easier?


Sara said...

word for word, everything you've said, I've been there. Last week and the week before I was there. Just remembed the light at the end of the tunnel and know that this stuff is all part of the deployment. Mark isn't a conversationalist, but he's a wonderful "do-er". The best of our relationship can't be experienced right now, and I imagine that's the same with you guys.

New Girl on Post said...

I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I've never been through a deployment with Sean, but I do understand the whole phone thing. When we lived apart after we were married I didn't enjoy our phone convos at all. It always seemed like it was just me talking.

Kim said...

Hi Tania,
Thanks for visiting SDP today. I jumped over here to say that and read your latest post. Oh man, if we could all be that transparent and honest about our feelings and reactions, it would be an easier world. I'm wishing you and your sweetie all the balm your hearts need to deal with this waiting. I watched my mom go through six month, nine month, and twelve month stretches when my brother and I were kids, she was working full time and dad had overseas duty. But it was nothing like is being asked of the troops and their families right now. These multiple long deployments must seem unbearable. Especially if you are new to your area and don't have a few close deep friendships with people who really get what's happening with you. My husband is like your first commenter's, a guy who shows love through his actions but seldom could be the person to come up with words I'd hoped to hear. It got better over time as I came to understand him and he me. But early marriage is challenging enough without separation. It's our commitment to each other that carried us through the dry patches, storms, and uphill stretches. Keep sharing your heart, be gentle with yourself and each other. You're both in tough places right now and need all the love and support you can surround yourselves with. My folks' friends were amazingly supportive, most of them military families, too. Long after everyone was out of the service they were still part of each other's daily lives.
Best to you, and glad I can give you a little glimpse of some familiar turf.
Seattle Daily Photo

loquita said...

I want to write you a long comment about how I understand, but I have total writers block lately. So I am sending you some *big hugs*.

PS - I sent you a message on Ravelry

Somebody's Princess said...


I'm a new reader, but I've been in similar shoes with training. He hasn't deployed since I became a part of his life, but months and months of distance, even stateside, produces the same kind of challenges. I don't know that there is a definitive answer because we still need so much at home and they have so little of themselves to give when their whole mind has to be focussed. Indulge in the memories and give yourself things to look forward to with him when he is back for R&R. I'm so sorry it's hard! Hang in there!

New Girl on Post said... this is how I did that first picture on my blog.

I use Photobucket for that particular effect. Once you upload your picture on there, you click on edit the photo, go to effects, click greyscale, under greyscale it should have advanced options and that's where you choose painted region. Then you paint with a brush what you want to be black and white and leave the rest color. IT's a little time consuming, but really makes the pictures pop.

Sara said...

Yeah I accidentally pressed the enter button before I could write anything. Anyhow, NOW I have a post up

A Belle and her Beau said...

I just ran across your blog (from new girl on post, I think) and your last post made me so sad for you. I hate that you are going through this!!! I would say that I understand but that wouldn't be the whole truth bc my husband is not in the military. However he does work a million hours a week and I travel but I know it doesnt even begin to compare. I think it is great that you have a blog though as a place to vent. I will keep you in my prayers ... I will pray for your soldier as well :)

oh and we all say things that we regret, unfortunately ... it will be okay, I am sure he understands!

Jaime said...

I didn't know what to say other than, I'm thinking of you and I'm sure he understands your frustration.